Where am I? Where am I heading? It used to be that I could squarely face these questions without feeling any qualms whatsoever. But right now, I'm feeling somewhat warry, almost defensive even. Not just because I don't quite know the answers to these questions. Why, how many times have I asked myself the same questions in the past and couldn't come up with a certain answer? More often than not, I had general answers like -- "I'm heading towards the unfolding of my own truth..." There were times when the answers I come up with are less "profound" than that. It didn't matter. Because, I was confident then.
I was confident then that I am indeed headed towards that: the fulfillment of my being. My faith had been firm, unshaken. So why the "warriness" now? I'm not really sure why. I just know that there's this "fear" I feel in the pit of my stomach when I had started to ask myself those questions earlier. I felt myself floundering, grasping for some solid answers to these questions.
But true indeed, I am heading towards my own perfection. I am headed towards the unfolding of my own truth. And right now, I'm feeling as if I'm at a very difficult stage where that is concerned.
There, I've finally written that. Having done so, I know I've just made myself face a reality I try so hard not to face.
I am shackled. If before, I've soared, flit and flew towards my own becoming, right now I'm feeling as if I'm being shackled to the ground. The saddest part is, I know it's of my own doing. Maybe I could even say I've done the "shackling" of me, myself.
Choice. It was my choice. If I feel "limited" as of the moment, if I feel "wingless" and quite unable to fly, it is due mainly to me. Because I chose to be so. It is I who had made that decision.
Looking back, the universe had been so kind all these time in providing me with lee-ways and avenues for "breaking away." How many times have I found myself at a point wherein I have to decide whether to take the next step or not? And how have I decided? I chose to embrace the chain -- shackles and all. Why? I'm not sure why. Maybe because... maybe because I have forgotten what it is that I really want.
Maybe because I was once at a point in my life when I just had to grab at what's there and what's at-hand. No matter if I had to settle for less, trade a little of those that I really value... Because then, I couldn't wait. My need had been immediate. It was urgent. Come face to face with death, I had to grab at anything that resembles life. Then, I couldn't wait for the real thing. To do so would have meant my own death.
In my grief I had been inconsolable. The "promise" of what is to come could not comfort me. I wanted, needed a hand to hold mine as I grieved. I needed a warm, solid hand to hold on to, not a promise of some distant future where I'd be "finally" held as I wanted and needed to.
Arrgh... too many issues to settle still. If I have to dig at them one by one, I don't think my energy would be able to sustain me at the moment. Sigh. Too many obstacles to hurdle still up ahead. Such a difficult, uphill climb I am in. One thing is for sure, though -- I want to be free again. I want to be able to flit and fly again -- soar towards my own becoming.
So, first things first, I needed to remind myself of the things that I really want and value. For only in doing so would I be able to chart my own course again. To get to where I want to be, I need to have a map. To get there in the shortest, most efficient way, I need to have a "very clear" map. And so, I just would have to be really truthful even if it would mean leaving myself open to hurt in the process. After all, being truthful with oneself doesn't always come easy.
Give some things up. I know deep down this is the main reason why I've not been into retrospection lately. I didn't want to have to give some things up. I guess I just had to make certain decisions, reassess my life and the things I truly value. I'm not quite sure whether I'll be courageous enough to choose the things that would really matter. My heart just might fail me. But if I really have to fulfill my own, personal legend then I just have to make sure, don't I, that this would not happen?
So what are the things I value? Truth. Freedom. Becoming. Faith. Love. Wisdom. Respect. Life. A full, meaningful life.
No comments:
Post a Comment