I married a very beautiful person

Really God knows how to knock you in the head (in a very nice way) whenever you needed some good knocking to realize some things. Over the weekend, I have been subjected to such a reckoning.

Last week, Bolo and I had a row of some sort. That was probably the nth time for the month and I've reached the point wherein I was just tired from it all. I'm not proud of this but last Saturday I really did entertain the thought that maybe there was something wrong with the partnership. For a while I thought about "returning" him to his Dad hehehe I've told him as much. We had some quiet moments early morning yesterday. He was hugging me from behind while I was nursing baby. I was still smarting from the argument and so I told him quietly that I'm just about to reach the end of my tether. It was not said in a goading manner or in a way that I'm picking a fight. I just told him matter-of-factly. There was a point when I thought we would be arguing again but he just hugged me and said he's sorry and then he asked me to help him overcome himself. The fact that he was humble enough to accept his mistake and ask me to help him however got lost on me. I guess I was too focused on the hurt I was feeling I paid no attention to how kind my husband was being at that time.

In the afternoon after the mid-day Mass, we went to his lola's. His other aunts and uncles happen to live nearby too. We spent the most time at his aunt who was closest to his biological Mom. We were discussing other things when from out of the blue she asked me if I had already noticed something amiss about Bolo's attitude. She said something like his being very kind but there's just a quirk of some sort with him. I jokingly replied that perhaps I have and thus entertaining the thought of returning him to them. Her reaction however surprised me. With tears in her eyes she recounted to me a portion of Bolo's childhood. She painted quite a vivid picture that I felt my heart being torn too. I could see Bolo from where we're sitting and I tried hard to see in his countenance the pain brought about by those experiences. I could find none. He was teasing some of his pamangkins and cousins and playing with them. I saw a happy kid instead.

Then it dawned on me. I remembered once again how this relationship came to be in the first place. In the midst of those disagreements and adjustments, I have somewhat forgotten. We were back at the house already when I asked him about his childhood that his aunt shared with me. I asked him how he felt during those times. He told me he was happy. And yet, little by little some sadness crept in. He was probably remembering everything. But he wasn't really sad, sad. He was sort of detached already. As if he had long ago accepted the situation and had dealt with it. But at one point while he was telling me about a memory he had of his Mom, of him visiting her at where she is working and staying only for a very short time and her giving him Chippy -- he looked at me and said such is his lot. He told me that is why sometimes he might seem unmindful of me. I felt that he was explaining to me his shortcomings. He was telling me he loves me and that he's trying his best to show me that but that sometimes it is so difficult because he was never showed that in the first place.

I'm thinking now, how could I ever think otherwise? That what Bolo have given me is not enough? What he's showing me and his son everyday given his lack of it is something short of Herculean. How can you give something that you don't have in the first place? But Bolo has given. Much. Even as a boyfriend, he had already given much. As a husband, he had given twice, thrice the more. What I get a glimpse of every now and then are old traces of what he had gone through as a child. He would have to be a saint not to have those quirks given what he had been through.

As a detached person viewing Bolo from what I knew now, I see a very beautiful person, being able to bloom despite all the trash he had to grow up with. How he had survived all that and still managed to remain beautiful inside is something I could not fully imagine. His is a pure soul. Probably not that pure but by just looking at him you get to sense that he is one very kind soul. How could I have thought otherwise? It took a simple "reorchestration" from God for me to again realize that. I knew it was no accident that we went to his aunt's house. It was no accident that she told me all that she had. It was no accident that I get to see how he is with his lola. His lola could no longer recognize her own children, mistaking a daughter to be a stranger but she would consistently call Bolo by his nickname, "Tata." I saw how she called on him whenever she needed something. I guess it's so hard to forget him when he is consistently being mindful of her.

Ah I ache for the child that Bolo was. No wonder he's so big on hugs and so adamant about being there for his son. He is rewriting his history and making sure his son's own history would not in any way be near his. No wonder he would look gratefully at me whenever I am minding our son and giving baby attention and affection. I ache for the kid Bolo who had to grow up without all that. I ache to hold him now to make up for all that he lacked.

I love you my beautiful husband. Again, thank you for making my life richer and more meaningful than it already is. Thank you for making me realize a lot of things about giving and loving and life. I could never promise that I could supply you everything that should have been given you but was not. But I will try to love you as best as I could and as best as I know how...

Happy Father's Day!

Err.. this came a bit late. But I had wanted to post it here so here goes :) This "card" I made for B especially for Father's Day is really something. We fought quite hard because of it. Weird huh?

I had been real excited when I was putting this card up together. B had prepared a "magical" dinner for me last mother's day that I felt I ought to reciprocate come father's day. Thus this concept was born.

During Baby Bolet's baptism I had made similar cards as "tent" markers on tables for the reception. They featured several of Baby's pictures from birth upto the day before his Baptism. Anyway, B loved the cards so much that he even kept some of them. I knew I would have to make him another one on some important occasion. What could be more important than Father's day? And it was his first yet. I'm quite strapped of cash at that time since the next day would be Baby's immunization sked but yet I was determined to make good use of whatever resources I have.

It took me almost two days to finish the card since I could hardly work on it when Bolo is around. It did not help that our computer's in the bedroom. I was also real busy at work at that time and so I really had a hard time trying to finish it on time. And imagine how heartbroken I was when after all the effort I did, Bolo and I only fought about it.

Actually, I complained of hunger when I got home. When he knew that the reason behind is that I was not able to eat lunch properly (I worked on the card), he kind of scolded me already. The fight started when he was trying to look for something in my bag. I was so concerned he would see the card and the little gift I bought for him and thus ruining the surprise. In my haste, I shouted at him not to touch my bag. He took it the wrong way, was so hurt by it and so the fight began. Inside I was nursing a hurt considering that for all the effort and my good intentions, it had all come to that. I guess he was also hurting, not understanding why I do not trust him enough or why I shouted at him in that manner. It took us all night and the following morning till we were able to patch things up. It wasn't until I showed him the card did he understand why I shouted at him. Thank God everything went on well still. Father's day was not exactly a blast but we enjoyed it just the same - dined out at the restaurant we frequent even before we got married, ordered some take out pizza (garlic and cheese and vege delight, of course hehehe) and had some quiet moments together . Happy Father's Day B. Thank you for being our son's father, friend, playmate, outdoor guide, travel and adventure initiator, AV operator (for his Barney, Nursery Rhymes and classical CD collections), hugger, kisser, greatest fan, and clown. Thank you for showing to me everyday how much you love our son. Luv u B.

Pounds

Whew! Just finished slaving over some proposal we’re working on. Yep, “slaving over” is appropriate as we are not yet really through with the proposal. From the looks of it we have about another two weeks (even three!) to complete it. Based on the deadline of the tender, we have about less than two weeks to do it. How we will beat the deadline? Beats me hehehe

Haay, at the moment, I’m trying to e-mail a documentation I had for a previous project, finish this blog entry and entertain a friend over at YM hehehe. Talk about making my life complicated.

There are a lot of things I wanted to write in here. There are things lurking around my head that I want to thresh out and examine thus wanting to write about them…

That friend over at YM is telling me about him exercising to shed some pounds off his abdomen. I retorted back that I’m also wearing some around my waist the size of anaconda hehehe

Oh well, I used to tell some good friends these days that if happiness can be translated into pounds then that makes me one VERY happy person hahaha Bolo and I had some exercise session over the weekend. We used to be so fit it’s almost painful for us to see ourselves in the mirror. Really! Hehehe There are even times when I would actually be surprised everytime I pass by that full-length mirror we have at home since I still definitely feel “thin” inside hehehe But we’re both working at it and by the looks of it, we’re getting there :) Getting my fingers crossed though :)

Feeding the Right Wolf

An elder Cherokee chief took his grandchildren into the forest and sat them down and said to them,
“A fight is going on inside me. This is a terrible fight and it is a fight between two wolves.
One wolf is the wolf of fear, anger, arrogance and greed.
The other wolf is the wolf of courage, kindness, humility and love.”

The children were very quiet and listening to their grandfather with both their ears.
He then said to them, “This same fight between the two wolves that is going on inside of me is going on inside of you, and inside every person.”
They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked the chief, “Grandfather, which wolf will win the fight?”
He said quietly, “The one you feed.”


A good friend forwarded the above story to me. She found it somewhere in the internet... And I thanked her for forwarding it to me (Thanks Jen)

Last night, I dubbed some joyful songs for an officemate. The words, "I will praise You with all of my life..." floated right at me. And a certain quiet enveloped me. It's a quiet borne out of a longing, of knowing that an aspect in my life had been neatly folded up and set aside because I am preoccupied with taking on the role of a mother and a wife. I am now not as active as I was with my community in the past. And I long for that part of my life now.

At this point in my life I'm still struggling at tyring to keep a balance between my responsibilities as a family "woman" and that of my job. I want to be good at both. Because, I love both. My love for my family is a given. They always come first. But I believe so much in what we do at work too. I believe this is where I do God's work for Him. This is where I serve Him best. But taking on the role of a mother and wife is not easy. Well, motherhood is fine as I have an angel for a son. It's the wife-part that proved tricky to me.

Being a wife I am confronted with several "tensions" -- being understanding vs. being myopic; being trusting vs. being dubious; being self-giving vs. being selfish and self-centered. I ride these tensions every now and then, being pulled from one end to another. And I'm trying to understand why that is.

As a girlfriend I used to be so secure about myself and where I am in Bolo's life. The thought of losing him, while (very)painful, is something that does not bother me much. The prevailing thought then had been that I am pretty much content the way I am. I have a job I love that pays well enough to afford me some of my hobbies and interests. I have a supportive family too that I could count on at all times. So it wouldn't be that bad really. But now... I don't know, maybe it has something to do with the role? Maybe I've seen enough telenovelas and internalized the scenes in that I am now performing my role as a wife from these "subconscious" feedings? hehehe yeah right. But how else could I explain this sudden change in me? I am thinking it has something to do with expectations. My expectations of what marriage should be, what husbands should be, etc. etc. It's when Bolo fell short of these expectations that would have me in a fit. Thus the tendency to nag.

Yeah, nag. Just the thought of me turning into a nagging wife is enough to give me the shivers. I want to examine my feelings closely so I wouldn't have to go that far. Because definitely, I wouldn't want to feed the wrong wolf in me. When I took my vows almost a year ago (huh! how time flies indeed!), I took them very seriously. I wouldn't just want to be Bolo's wife because of the fact that we were wed and we signed a contract. I want to be a wife to him who will help him see the value of the relationship and who would help him become the best that he could be. I am expecting the same thing from Bolo. If there's something that I want it's that we would both "grow" together, be better persons. That and that Bolo won't feel sorry that he had married me hahaha I'm not :)

Morning Glories

I am never a morning person. It usually is so difficult to drag me out of bed most mornings. I have always been nocturnal. I wouldn't mind being called to work to slave over some reports and proposals til wee hours in the morning. Actually, I have just finished packaging one (proposal) which a few of us diligently finished last night to beat a midnight "e-mail" deadline. It's a good thing the packaging could be done the next day (today) or else it would have meant no sleep at all for me.


It did not help that I did not want to do it at all. I was on leave but I went to the office just the same to finish that proposal. It was out of the sense of obligation and well, loyalty to my job and the organization I loved right at the start. Hmm... but I did not want to write about labor woes. I had intended to reward myself by doing something I'm truly passionate about, something I've been putting off the past days because I had to do other things at work -- write. And I had wanted to write about something I am equally ( more than!) passionate of -- my son :)

Mine and B's first mornings together had been "blissful" too. It truly amazed us to finally be waking up next to each other. We had been wanting it to happen for the longest time and then it is finally happening. That was when I began to appreciate my mornings... But then, a few months into that and a few more fights after, the experience began to lose it's novelty hehehe

And then Baby came... Happy, light, joyful Baby... This morning I woke up to find him up to his latest trick -- flip onto his belly and squirm until he gets his other arm dislodged from in between his chest and the bed. This was something he found truly difficult before that he would often cry in frustration. Lately, he was getting so good at it that he would often do it to find out if he could do it again. Hahay, look at these pictures. Those above are taken while we were in Agusan for that SBM project. I had to bring him with me since I am breastfeeding him. I have been fearful the travel might be stressful to him... but look at him, truly a hassle-free baby. These last two ones were taken this morning. His squirming woke me up and when I turned to look at him there he was looking so cute as if begging to be kissed I had to jump off the bed to grab my camera hehehe If these are what awaits me every morning.. then who am I to complain? Baby's truly heaven sent :)

Happy Mothers' Day

My life.

Solid Food

Finally, Baby had his first official meal two days after he celebrated his 150th day (5 months). The incident at La Toscana told me he’s quite ready for it. I’ve been intending to introduce solid food to him only after he turns six months. I was told feeding Baby on breast milk for 6 mos is equivalent to giving him a “hypo-allergenic” diet. That is, baby’s chances of having food allergies would be greatly reduced. I’ve been trying so hard to stick to such a plan but even at 4 months baby had already showed indication of his preparedness for solid food. He would look longingly at the dining table where our meals are spread. He would root and reach out towards the food as if wanting to take a bite. For a while I endured looking at him at this stage. Every time he would look longingly at the food and then to me, my heart would break a little but I have remained firm in my resolve. Up until the Resto incident. That’s when I knew I couldn’t have him frustrated any longer. If he’s ready for his first “bite,” then so be it :)

When he was about to turn four months, B had already been excited about shopping for Baby’s first vegetables. Yup, vegetables. We were told potato is a good way to start. There were several other tips thrown our way from “well-meaning” friends and family, most especially from the “Mama’s” and Aunts in the family who would give us advice in such a manner that would leave no room for argument. After all, according to them (this is just implied of course), they knew a lot better than we do having lots of practice on the matter. In the end, B and I settled on rice cereal. Not the kind you could buy in boxes at the supermarket though. It’s rice cereal the old fashioned way – “grounded” rice (giniling na bigas).

It was quite difficult to look for NFS rice (organic) at the grocery store. The only organic rice I saw there was unpolished brown rice. I immediately thought that unpolished brown rice is far “too solid” to be baby’s first food. So I opted to buy “prime” white rice instead. My heart sank when I put it in my basket. I knew it was probably reeking with fertilizer. When I arrived at home, it turned out that Ate Gaga had bought the NFS unpolished brown rice herself. I took it as a sign hehehe It helped that I got reassurance from the family that it’s going to be grounded anyway and thus be something that would be easy on Baby’s digestion. So that was it, for Baby’s first food he had a bowlful of grounded, unpolished, free from chemicals, brown rice. It looked pretty much like glue to me hehehe B and I even joked about it. But I know that it’s good for him than any other processed food. To us, that is most important. Notwithstanding that preparing it is quite laborious compared to the commercial cereal where you would only add hot water to it and then it’s ready to be fed. B had to cook the rice over low fire while constantly stirring at it to make sure it’s even in consistency. We can’t have Baby feeding on muck-like, indigestible “paste.” For added flavor and "nutritional value," I put in a good amount of my milk too. It’s all labor of love, really. So I think Baby is getting a lot more in his bowlful of rice cereal. He’s getting a good dose of mine and his Tatay’s love along with a dose of carbohydrates. Talk about having a “Power” Meal. Really love you both.

Italian Resto and Climbing Nostalgia

Fresh from our recollection, I went to the office on Wednesday - April 12 - even though it was declared a holiday. There were reports I had to finish so... While there, I received a text from a friend who was already working in Cebu telling me she's in town for the summer climb.

Summer Climb. That sure had me thinking. It dawned on me -- everybody, except B and I are getting ready for the summer climb. The thought passed quickly though. I have long accepted our situation. I have come to accept that I, we, have to settle a bit for a while to be with our son. And just looking at my son's beautiful face - who also happened to be at the office with me then - all my "restlessness" fades.

Bolo and Baby arrived at the office just as I was finishing up on my report. Suzette, my friend who's in town, will be meeting with me there. Being a close friend of ours and one who has been very much a part of our relationship, Bolo and I were quite eager to "show off" to Suzette our little, cute bundle of joy :)

As it was indeed the climbing season, everyone seemed to be bent on borrowing some of our climbing stuff. As they still needed some sorting out, Bolo and I decided to let Suzette meet us at Edge instead. Some of our stuff - my personal tent included - are there.

Suzette and I were already chatting when I received a text from another friend - Jeni - who wanted to meet with me. So we all converged at the shop and did some catching up. There were much "climbing talk" going about and I just smiled ruefully knowing I wouldn't be a part of it for now. Bolo and I were quite eager to lend some of our stuff to a few trusted friends, as if to console ourselves that at least our stuff will make it all the way to Apo's peak hahaha! The shop was filled with energy from those who have just arrived from Apo, energized and from those who were brimming with excitement and anticipation for the climb the following day. Their enthusiasm was contagious and I practically basked in it.

After a while we got "persuaded" to dine at our favorite Italian Resto - La Toscana. Yeah right, as if we still needed some coaxing. Since Suzette still had to buy some stuff, we agreed to meet with her there later. She had to accompany us home since she's borrowing a headlamp and some headgear.

La Toscana. What could be more heavenly than having some good conversation over some really good Vegetarian pasta and pizza prepared in authentic Italian way? I was so grateful for the experience that when I prayed over our meal, I thanked God for giving Jeni the resources to treat us that day haha! :) The smells were heavenly and the taste... ahh, they were more than twice the heavenly. I'm salivating even now remembering the whole thing.

While munching on the usual antipasto - gralic bread dipped in some olive oil and balsamic vinegar - I decided to let Baby RL share in the experience by allowing him to "lightly" munch on a piece of bread. As it was quite coarse, I just let it touch his lips and gums so lightly. But to all our amazement, he cried in frustration. He showed every indication of wanting to gobble up the whole thing. As it was his first brush with solid food yet, I was quite hesitant to let him do just that. It partly broke my heart to have him so frustrated. I told him it wasn't good for him and so he would have to deal with his frustrations for now. I told him that encountering some frustration is part of life. (Yeah right! As if a lecture on life and frustration could ease a four-month-old's wanting to nibble some more on a piece of "texture-full" bread hehehe) My heart broke at the thought of it. I felt that I would protect Baby from all sorts of pain if only I could. Anyway, it wasn't helping that Jeni was edging him on and commenting on the sidelines that "Nanay is not much fun."

Huh! :) Not much fun indeed! She lectured me that babies enjoy experiencing different kinds of flavor and texture with their mouth. I told her I've read enough about the subject to know that not all "flavors" will do at the onset of introducing solid food to a baby. I told her, it has to be done carefully as it wil greatly influence their eating habits later on in life. Blah, blah, blah we both went hehehe. But the experience did showed me that Baby RL is just about ready to take on some solid food...

Ah, and something interesting took place while we're dining. I practically breastfed Baby right then and there. It was good that the resto was pretty intimate and there was just us there and another couple. I was discreet about the whole thing though with both Bolo and I making sure that I still remained pretty much covered up :) That solicited some teasing from Jeni though coining the term, "virgin" Mom. Oh well, I am all for breastfeeding but I still want to remain "discreet" about it just the same. Oh, but of course, it goes without saying that keeping baby from being hungry is on top of our priorities, my discomfort notwithstanding.

Hmm... first the Marco Polo and then now, an Italian Resto? Hmm... quite a "sosyal" baby we have here hehehe I just hope he turns out to be like his Tatay and I who is quite as happy to much on a piece of "bulad" on some muddy part of a trail in a middle of nowhere, as sitting in a posh restaurant enjoying some decent meal :)

Mt. Apo Baby!

Blissful Morning. See that grin on his face? It's a pretty "permanent" feature on him. He seems to be smiling most of the time which makes me truly grateful. Thank you Father God for giving me such a hassle-free, happy baby :)


Close Up Shot at that Smile! :)


Peak Baby! This shot reminds me so much of that "circle of life" scene in "Lion King"



Cute. Ahh... this picture has everything that I love in life - the sky, the mountains, the mountain breeze (if breeze could indeed be captured in photo hehe), and my two great loves :)


Yeah right! I wish I could say these pictures were indeed taken at Mt. Apo :p hehehe Given my current...err..."change of status," well, I think going on a climb is quite impractical these days. These days, I couldn't decide on things just like that. These days, I couldn't just flit off as I please. Make that "we" since B is definitely as "grounded" as I am too. Actually, I feel thankful at the moment that he did not push the idea of him climbing with our friends and leaving me at home to keep watch on Baby. It felt good that he saw it fit to sit there with me while I daydream about standing on Mt. Apo's peak and doing my Lenten reflection there. I'm sure he had his share of daydreaming too.

But I think it helped that we had a chance to go on a "brief" travel over at Buda. The office had our "Recollection" on Holy Monday till Tuesday. Some brought along their kids. Since I am breastfeeding, it followed that Baby will have to come along too. And B of course had to be there too. That way he could keep watch on Baby while I attend the sessions.

At first I have doubts about bringing Baby along. It is after all, going to be his first "long-distance" travel. And it's a landtrip yet. I had to consult his Pedia about it. When it turned out to be okay, I felt relieved and gone on with the preparation for the trip. Seagull in the Valley (were we went) is a pretty cold place at 4,000++ feet. It would be like being at the base of Mt. Apo. B and I had to make sure that we had everything we need to make baby comfy for the trip and back and of course to see to it that he gets proper insulation for the cold. Actually, it pretty much felt like we were also preparing for a climbing trip. It felt really good to be digging out all our climbing gears and preparing Baby's own "climbing" apparel along with ours hehehe He even have his own Nike shoes to boot :) He has his own set of bonnets too and jackets (I brought three to make it sure) and rain gear hehehe For "pa-porma" effect, he has his own cardigan jacket, thanks to Ate who brought it along from UK. It was really fun.


Sleeping Baby. See how "insulated" Baby is? hehehe I hardly slept the whole night. Apart from shivering in the cold, I kept on checking Baby to make sure he is not feeling as cold as I am :) and that he's truly comfortable.

Well, the entire trip was fun. It has it's moments where Bolo and I had a tiff when the session we had took longer than it should and that left Baby quite hungry :( But all-in-all it was truly fun. It helped that Baby proved to be such a good soul. He was never squirmy during the entire trip except that one moment when he was hungry. He just sat there, being playful with us or in silence. At most times he just slept... Ah, I foresee that there would be more travelling up ahead. I am very much looking forward to it. Now that Baby proved to be such a hassle-free kid, there wouldn't be much trouble then. Oh, but of course, his comfort and well-being would still be very much on top of the list for things to be considered before I make any plans about travelling. So I guess, "adventure trips" would have to wait a while huh? hehehe Let's see ... :)

Chicken Joy

Arrgh… I’m presently tearing at my hair. Well, figuratively that is. Someone selling “health” magazines just came in here at the office. Without my knowing it (as I was busy making a report at my cubicle), my officemates pointed him to my direction – There’s that vegetarian girl over at that booth. But being “short-of-cash” these days, I had to turn my back at a magazine I liked. It was quite expensive and the seller won’t give me a discount. I’ll be traveling again tomorrow and I need to have enough money with me to make me feel secure.

A few years back, a similar thing had happened and I had bought a magazine from the seller then. It was the same one I’ve been wanting to buy ever since I saw it lying at the BK House’s coffee table. It talked of the benefits of the vegetarian diet and featured some recipes. Hmm… now I’m wondering where that magazine is now. I haven’t seen it lying around in ages. Anyway, I truly found the magazine helpful and for a while I’ve been tossing it at relatives who had been teasing me about going vegetarian. That was then. At this time, they have totally accepted my choice – make that “our” choice, now with B in the picture. Now, every family get-togethers feature meat and vegetarian dishes to satisfy everyone. Lately, cousins had been asking too whether Baby would also be a vegetarian. At our nod of assent, they would immediately throw baby a pitiful look and say: “Kawawa naman (How pitiful). He would grow up not enjoying ‘Chicken Joy’ then.” I would always quip, “Well, he could always have the french fries and sundaes.”

But I do get my family’s point. In truth really, I’ll be playing it by ear. Of course I wouldn’t force a two or three-year-old toddler to throw away a full-of-grease-leg-of-a-chicken (I’m really just teasing you meat-eater friends hehehe) should he wants to take a bite at it. By then, Baby Bullets would have his preferences and I’m not so sure if I could deprive him in that sense. Deep inside though, I want him to grow up vegetarian. I have friends who were vegetarian since birth since they belong to a family of one. But in my family with extended lola’s and tita’s and tito’s who loves food so much, I guess that would be close to impossible. I would have to find a perfect balance wherein I could impress upon Baby the value of the “discipline” and at the same time not have him feeling so deprived he’ll grow up to be a Klepto-maniac hehehe I couldn’t have him wondering why his cousins can gobble up a piece of meat but he couldn’t. And there will come a time that he’ll be going to school too. He’ll have classmates then who wouldn’t be vegetarians and we couldn’t be with him 24/7.

I’m remembering a scene at lunch earlier. My cute niece Janine offered me chicken. She practically grew up with me and so is used to eating vegetables too. She’s the only two year old I know who enjoys eating her vegetables. But being a kid, she likes to eat meat too and practically devours lechon when there is one. When I lightly refused her offer she turned to me and said, “Masarap man ang chicken tita.”which made me laugh. I am wondering if there would come a time when Baby would be delivering the same line to me. I am looking forward to that day.

I’ll be crossing the bridge when I finally get there. When it comes to feeding Baby with meat or not, I’ll think about it when the situation finally confronts me. I’m thinking now, he could eat meat if he wants to but for sure, I’d still be serving vegetables in our own household. Should he ask me to cook him a chicken dish, I’d probably just buy one outside hehehe. Most likely it would be Jollibee since it is “Halal” certified :)

Christening

Bb: Huh! Why are there so many people here?


Bb: Pano ko kaya i-shoot tong kamay ko sa bibig ko? Anlayo naman....


Bb: Nay, bored na ako... hahay...


Bb: Ayan, malapit nang matapos! Yehey!


Mga Ninong, Ninangs


April 2, 2006
1:00 A.M.
Our Room
Rewritten from a piece of tissue

A few hours from now and my son will be “Christened.” I prefer to use that term than “baptism.” To me, the former puts everything in the right perspective. It highlights the center and the whole reason for going through the ceremony.

Earlier, I’ve said my prayers. I was in the middle of it when I felt the urge to write. I prayed for my son’s spirituality. Even before the “ceremony,” I’ve already lifted up to God my son’s life particularly his spiritual life.

I am a Catholic. I came from a family of devout Catholics and so it follows that I “should” be baptized a Catholic too. I was only a babe then. It was hardly my personal choice. My parents just passed on to me what was passed on to them by their parents. Now, I am about to do the same thing for my son.

I know that like me, my son will experience God in more ways than just in the confines of the Catholic tradition. In my case, I grew to love Him more in my personal pursuits. As I “struggled” towards my own becoming, I sensed a loving God helping me along the way. I want the same thing for my son.

Journal Entry: Fine Dining

March 31, 2006
Friday
My Desk

Haay… Now I have come to terms with the fact that dining out would never be the same. Well, at least for a little while that is, while baby is still a “minute” human being. Hmm… come to think of it, I guess it will not be the same for a long, long time hehehe Even if baby would have gain a few more in terms of height, it will still take years for him to learn enough “social graces” for Bolo and I to enjoy a relatively decent meal hehehe I’m not whining though. In fact I’m looking forward to experiencing him in that sense.

Last Monday, some close friends, Candy, Dane and I dined at the Marco Polo. I wish I could just let it on here that dining at the Marco Polo is an everyday occurrence hehehe. But it would not have been the choice had it not been for some certificate Candy had. We still ended up paying quite a hefty sum though that Dane vowed we would not dine again at the Marco until our kids are old enough to graduate in college hahaha!

It was supposed to be just a “girls-night-out” event. We had been looking forward to a session of whining about the husbands and talking behind their back hehehe but circumstances conspired and we ended up having Bong and Bolo (Archie could not make it) along. A part of me appreciated the change of plans because it meant Bolo and I can bring along baby and I wouldn’t have to worry about leaving him hungry or hurrying home.

At around 5 o’clock, B and baby already showed up in the office so I could still feed him. That would buy for us a few hours till he goes hungry again. It could mean we would have been through with dinner before I have to feed him again. At around 7, we were already at Dane’s office. We agreed to wait for Candy there. For some reason, Baby got into a tantrum. He was really having the fits, which was totally unlike him. His cry would switch from one who is totally irritated to being pained the next. He’s normally a happy kid. In fact, we could count on him to just play by himself when we had to do other things. He’s only irritable when he’s really sleepy but even then his “antics” while at the bank tops his previous “routines.” After a while he settled down and slept.

We had just seated ourselves on our table at Café Marco when Baby woke up and beamed at me. As it was impossible to eat properly while watching him, Bolo and I took turns in holding him, getting our food, and eating. Since I was totally preoccupied with Baby, I never had the chance to really participate in the conversation. We did some catching up though, mostly about Candy who have just transferred into a new house. After that, the conversation turned general. We talked about other classmates. Ah, and we spent the rest of the evening conferring on how to divide the bill among ourselves hahaha It was really fun, something I have expected with Dane and Candy around. They’re two of the most fun personalities in our class. They’re so matter-of-fact that often their comments on things would leave anyone amused. They’re what one would consider “gay” ladies, or “bading” in colloquial terms hehehe. Luv you guys :)

All in all it was a fun night. I was real happy to experience it with B and Baby. The fact that Baby had gone “fine dining” while he is still four months old really appealed to me hehe. Notwithstanding I had to hurriedly look for a corner in which to “feed” him. We both ended up at the “veranda-cum-mini-park” attached to the dining hall. It was the designated “smoking area” and I had to literally “sniff” around just to make sure it does not reek of nicotine. Happily, it did not as it was an open area. Luckily it was pretty dimmed there and nobody was around. I sat on the lone bench there and Baby settled quite happily to have his fill.

Baby must have had more than enough milk since by the time I continued eating and had my dessert – he was already making faces. He was smiling and frowning all at the same time. We could all guess what he’s at and Bong was laughing out loud. I thought nothing of it since it wasn’t his “schedule” to go at that time. Since he turned two months, he had never missed a schedule. Always, it is in the morning, just after he wakes up. Sometimes he would miss a day but every time he does go, it is always in the morning. Always. So I really had no idea why of all places and of all the time there is, he “went” then. B and I ignored it a bit. We were both in denial. When it started to “smell” there was no more denying the situation hehe. Luckily he’s breastfed otherwise it would have really smelt bad. Compared to formula-fed babies, breastfed babies’ poop doesn’t smell half as bad.

I brought Baby to the ladies’ restroom. Since it was virtually impossible to clean him up all by myself, I had to call Bolo for back-up. We argued a bit before he agreed to enter the restroom with me. I told him it was a pretty big place and there was no one there. I had to convince him that anyone who would enter would understand considering the situation and that he could always excuse himself. The funny thing was Baby had been smiling all the time. He was even giggling as if totally amused with the whole situation. It pretty felt like he was enjoying himself while we fussed over him. He really looked so cute and adorable then that I regretted not having a camera with me.

That was how it was, our first dinner out with Baby in tow. It wasn’t so bad. In fact, I totally enjoyed myself. I’m looking forward to doing more of the same. It just dawned on me, everything that I’ll be doing now would really be different with Baby around. Before it used to be just me or just Bolo and I. Now, we have Baby to make things thrice the fun. Welcome to the team, Baby “Bolets.” Your Tatay and I promise you a whole world of fun and adventure :).

Journal Entry: Going Blind and Shouting

March 26, 2006
Living Room

While watching television earlier, we came across a trailer of some telenovela. It is a lovestory between a blind guy and a girl. Apparently, they sort of drifted from each other and then meet each other again when the guy is no longer blind. From the looks of it, the girl readily recognized the guy (of course!). The guy however showed no inkling at all that he knows the girl. B turned to me and said the guy should have recognized the girl through her voice. After all it is the voice of the person that he loves. I replied that being able to see finally probably overwhelmed the guy. If before, when he is still blind, he is sensitive about a lot of things and the different nuances of his significant other, all of that fades away as he focuses on his newly acquired sight. (Hehehe always the logical Rodilyn talking huh? Hehehe)

B shook his head, turned to me, covered his eyes and said he would recognize me even from a mile away should he go blind. I smiled sheepishly about to be flattered when he added that it’s because I have a very distinctive “shout.” That had me laugh out loud.

Indeed, we do get into a “shouting-match” sometimes when we’re arguing. This somewhat “unsettled” me, at first. The fact that our argument could come to that does not sit well with me. Then I realized that it is normal in every relationship. It dawned on me that the “shouting” part is largely due to the fact that we are “comfortable” with each other. To allow ourselves to be that “raw” in front of the other imply how secure we feel in our relationship.

I’ve written about this before and I’m reiterating it here again – ours is not a “pa-cute” relationship. What we have is a relationship that’s straightforward. Both of us wear our emotions on our sleeves, transparent enough for the other to see and feel. Disappointments are readily expressed. In the same way, “I love you’s” and words of appreciation are also expressed off-handedly. B, looking my way - or me, looking his way - with a sheepish expression on his/my face and mouthing "lab u B" is something that is experienced often enough... I am not in no way wishing that the shouting will continue or occur often but I'd rather have that anytime than me having to nurse my hurts in silence and have my soul slowly shrivel and die.

The Everest Dream

Had quite a long day yesterday and a lot had happened that's really worth writing about. So many thoughts in my head, all compartmentalized hehehe B and I had some interesting interactions over the weekend that I want to reflect on and write about. And last night, we had dinner at the Marco Polo with some close friends and my hubby and baby. I wanted to write about that too. But at the moment, I'm chatting with an old friend from the "mountaineering" aspect of my life. We are talking about another friend who's very dear to us -- Pastor.

Last night, when I saw the Correspondents featuring Pastor and Leo on their preparation for their "Everest Quest," I had some mixed feelings. Chatting with my friend now again brought the feelings to the surface.

I feel both happy and sad for Pastor. Happy since it's every mountaineer's dream to climb Mt. Everest and as he said last night in the interview, Mt. Everest just happened to him. He did not seek it out, it sought him...

When I saw Pastor cried last night in the interview, I cried too. I cry because I could imagine how he must be feeling being away from his family and all. I'm sure - just as all of us over here is thinking - the "unsureness" of their quest is very much on his mind. Conquering Everest is a no joke. I'm sure he is very much aware that it could cost him his life.

And it could pretty well cost him his life. When he cried, I knew he was thinking of his family, of his little boys. I know how he's feeling now that I have a little boy myself. His second son is mine and Bolo's "inaanak." The last time we saw Pastor was a few months before our wedding. He was on his way back to Manila then for his further training. And he had expressed his regret that he won't be able to attend it.

During his son's Christening, he had been teasing Bolo and I then. He knew us from the past, separately. Pastor had even met a previous boyfriend and he was a close friend to a... well... previous "suitor" too. He had often teased me to this friend of his.

When Bolo had started courting me, Bolo told me Pastor had been somewhat encouraging although he knew I was still in a relationship then. When Bolo and I finally became an item, he had told me of his "approval" of Bolo. He told me Bolo is "kind" and that I could count on him. He was right.

Ah, seeing Pastor cry really shook me. I feel for him and I feel for Anne too. I could only imagine how Anne is feeling at the moment. I feel a bit of "anger" for the situation that forced them to hasten their assault of the mountain. They are not supposed to take on Everest till next year. That would have given them ample time for further preparation. And then now, they would have to hasten due to... ah... I don't want to delve into the whole controversy. I don't have all the facts either so it's hard to come up with my own opinion on the whole thing. But I sure am feeling emotional over Pastor being cheated of those few months of preparation. And I feel that they ought to climb without some undue pressure. For God's sake, it's their life that's at stake there and they're leaving behind families and friends here. Pastor has a wife and two sons for Christ's sake. Two little boys who are growing up without much of the presence of their father because he had to be on training for this thing.

Even I am emotional as most of our friends are. How much more so, Ann who is his wife? I know she's dealing with the uncertainty of the situation as well. I feel for her as a wife and as a mother, being one myself. And I want to reach out to her to tell her that we are supporting her somewhat and that we're praying for Pastor and their family.

Dear, funny, always smiling, jolly, good dancer, life-of-the-party, good-friend-to-everyone, Pastor... you are terribly missed over here. Miss seeing you during kayak competitions, local adventure races and outdoor activities here. I would rather have you as an opponent again and end up losing than not seeing you here with us. Bolo and I are and will be praying for your success and safety. You are right, Everest is a "destiny." It's all up to the mountain should she yield to you or not. But you have such a good heart. You have such a good soul. You're a very good person. I'm sure she'll know that when you're finally in her midst. She'll feel your kindness and will return the favor. God Bless friend, can't wait to see you home."

For Reflection

Either way, we want to just make the most of this thing...to suck the marrow out the bones of life, to live deeply and without reservation, hesitation or fear. To breathe deep the air of spring and the breath of God, to savor the depths of flavors and the best of God's good earth and to "taste and see" the goodness of God, to hold the things that matter close to the heart, to treasure the hard parts of loving and frolic like a 4-year old in a mud puddle in the good, easy parts.

Don't waste this thing.

It's too good.

Above is a part of an article from the "Daily Devotionals" I subscribe to. I read this particular devotional months ago. The message above really struck me the first time I read it. So much so that I "clipped" it and saved it under the filename, "For Reflection." I had intended to reflect on the subject but have been pressed for time to accomplish other tasks. It wasn't only a while back while cleaning up my hard drive of unwanted files had I came across it again. And once again the message struck me.

Getting married and having a child changed my life drastically. I would admit that there are times when I would daydream about my carefree days when I would think of nothing but myself. But the moment would pass quickly. If only for the mere fact that I don't have the luxury of the time to even think about daydreaming :)

Lately, life had taken on the shape of meeting and fulfilling responsibilies. I rarely have time for myself. Clicking away here, being absorbed on my thoughts is the closest I could get to having some time for "me." And I'm grateful that I still am able to afford myself this.

My proverbial motto had always been, "Carpe Diem!" Which I later elevated to, "Seize the moment!" After all, a "day" is far too long compared to a "moment." That is why over the years I saw myself pursuing all sorts of things -- from travels to races to sport involvements. I filled my days with various activities. And always, I had tried to make myself available to every friend in need of my company for whatever reason. I tried to be present to every birthday party, Christening, wedding, all sorts of get-togethers I get invited to. Not just because I want to be there for my friends but because I value my relationships. Love pretty much figure in every relationship I get myself into. That is why I value them so much.

Now, everything is different. I don't even have time for a walk, much less do the nightly runs I used to engage in, in the past. Everything seems to revolve around this tiny, little being that is entrusted in my care. If in the past, all of my energy gets channelled to various other pursuits, now it's just one directional. Ultimately, everything leads to making sure that this tiny, little being's needs and good are achieved. And I'm thinking - this being focused on just one "thing" - is this tantamount to "getting out" of life or not seizing the moment? Does this mean I'm degenerating and not living my life to the full just as I should? I would like to ask, what does make life "fulfilling" then? Getting involved in sports? Going to all those places? Climbing a mountain one day and then bathing in the sea the next?

During lunchbreak today when I got home, I walked in to see my son lying on his back trying to amuse himself. He looked up when he saw me approach and then his whole face lit up. I felt my whole being expand, it was as if all the emotions I hold in my heart overflowed to fill the entire room. Now I'm remembering how I feel pretty much the same way when I see a beautiful sunset or have just finished a satisfying race. At that moment, I felt like I was on top of Apo again seeing how a beautiful sunrise could bathe everything in a soft, golden glow. I always feel love and God's presence during those moments. I would always feel that God indeed is good and that all is well. Seeing my son's beautiful face earlier made me feel that way too.

I am in no way discounting the fact that I could be as active again as I used to be. I still daydream about climbing mountains and participating in runs and going travelling... But for now, I had to settle down a bit so I could be there for my son. Experiencing motherhood, experiencing falling in love everyday and everytime I beheld my son's face, finding myself as I learn to live life while holding someone else's hand are things that are making my life complete at the moment. And no way are they less exciting than conquering a peak or winning a race. I love you B, you and our little one. Thank you for taking on this adventure with me.

Close To You

My head's actually throbbing right now but i'm feeling pretty content. I have just finished with that report I've been slaving over for the past three days. I actually had to wake up at 4 a.m. this morning just so I could get it over and done with. After accomplishing almost 1/3 of the report and feeling confident I could manage to finish the whole thing at the office, I saved the file in a diskette, took advantage of what's left of the dawn and dozed off a bit.

When I arrived at the office this morning, at exactly 5 minutes after I opened my computer, an officemate quite nicely managed to overwrite everything. As in everything. So I had to redo and rewrite everything, reducing my sacrifices this morning to nothing. I was half-tempted to go home and retrieve my file. I considered calling B at home and have him dictate to me the whole thing but that would be like waiting forever till he manage to retrieve it, if ever he would. He totally hates messing with my files. Thankfully, all of that is behind me now. Right now, I'm taking a bit of a breather from technical writing to do this instead...

Hmm... a lot had happened the past weeks but I had never really gotten around to writing about them as I was busy meeting deadlines. For starters, about two weeks ago, B and I finally managed to watch a movie together. That would be like after almost a year of not being able to. The last movie we watched had been, "A Very Long Engagement." It was an interesting movie and we sure had lots of fun watching it. I had no idea that it would also take a "loooong" time before we'd manage to watch one again.

B had been consistent about taking his Saturdays off. That would be his time for himself, to spend as he pleases - be it with friends or taking care of his business in Tagum. My "days off" are supposed to be the whole work week. He encourages me to linger out a bit after office hours so I could have some time for myself. But that would be like impossible since I had to consistently hurry home in order to nurse baby on time. Either that or I'm too beat at the end of work that I'd rather be home resting than elsewhere. So on that particular Tuesday night, I was deadset about watching a movie.

We are not exactly "single" sweethearts anymore so we could not flit and go as we pleased. I had to express some milk to make sure baby won't be left hungry should we not make it in time for his next feeding, etc., etc. We actually had to race for time. With that in mind, it was almost impossible to express enough milk for one feeding. I don't know what it is with ... err... "bossoms" hehehe They simply do not "yield" just when you're in a hurry to express some milk. But when you're in no hurry at all? You'd be surprised at how much you can come up with. Anyway, when I could not come up with a "substantial" amount of milk, B readily declared to cancel the date. That drew dagger-looks from me. I was about to launch into a lengthy dialogue about why it should be easy for him to take a day off and difficult for me (of course it's because I'm breastfeeding!) when he immediately appeased me and said that there will be no cancelling. Thankfully, the "bossoms" finally cooperated and off we went.

We watched, "Close To You," as baduy as that may sound hehehe The other choice would have been, "Brokeback Mountain" but in truth, it was just the break I'm looking for. I wanted something light that we both could relax in. It turned out to be a good choice since it was worth seeing him being giggly while watching some "kilig" scenes. It totally surprised and amused me. All the while I was thinking he would find the whole thing boring. We are after all way past the "courting" age to appreciate such a movie. We also appreciated the "travelling" part of the movie. It reminded us of the good old days. Our relationship, after all, had been built on all those travels we had had.

We made it in time for the "just-before-the-last-full-show" screening which is a good thing since it meant we'll be home early. When we entered the cinema, Bolo teased me. He told me that now that we're already married and are no longer sweethearts, we could sit far apart from each other. I took it to heart. So while we are seated side by side, I shrank to the farthest side of my seat to avoid leaning towards him. Thirty minutes into the picture, he surprised and made me laugh when he turned to me and said, "Hug-hug naman tayo B." That remark sure got the better of me. I almost laughed out loud from sheer mirth.

It's funny really if one considers it. When you're still sweethearts, it would seem that you could not get enough of each other even though you see each other everyday. It would seem that you're always running out of time. Often, this leads to the decision of marriage. You just want to spend most of your days with this significant other. And so you get married. Ironically, when you're finally married, some of that magic seem to die down. Funny.

I'm not saying that Bolo and I changed overnight. Oh we are still "sweet" to each other. We still enjoy intimate conversations with each other. And we still show our care for each other. It's just that the "urgency" we felt before is no longer there. In the past, everytime he would fetch me from the office to accompany me home, we would hate the thought of having to part again later. The thought of always having to part at the end of the day lends some "poignancy" to the relationship. The "could-not-get-enough-of-each-other" urgency is something that was always hanging over our heads. That is why it was understandable also how we would "delight" in the littlest of excuse to be physically in-touched with each other then, like holding hands and all that mushy stuff.

Marriage erases that particular element. Should we want to be physically in touched with each other, we would only have to turn and face the other, stretch out our hand and viola! It's that easy. Everywhere you turn, the other is sure to be there. Still, a part of me wants to argue. I am remembering those moments when B would turn to me in the morning, snuggle to me and say, "Ahh... this is what's good about being married..."

I'm suddenly realizing, I am already married! hehehe Like it has not quite sunk in yet, huh? :) It seems only yesterday when Bolo and I are still sweethearts and delighting in what we're feeling towards each other. Sweet and poignant, fiery and exciting. That was how our relationship as sweethearts had been. Most of the time it was fun and exciting as we share the same passion for travel and adventure. It was also both sweet and poignant because of the "uncertainty" that plagued the beginning of our relationship. For now, some of that has changed a bit. And I'm realisitic enough to know that it'll continue to change years down the line.

Hmm... I'm remembering a particular moment we shared the other night. He asked me to accompany him in washing the dishes. It was almost midnight and he feels insecure about lingering in the kitchen on his own. I was already sleepy so I asked him if it's alright if I lean on him from behind so I could sort of "doze off" while he's washing the dishes. I could have just sat there. But maybe I was making an excuse to be close to him as it had been quite a long day. Each of us were swallowed by our individual concerns that day that we rarely had time for the other. The leaning-hugging-bit was an excuse to "reconnect." I was glad when he obliged me. Half-way through I asked him if he does not think me a bother. He replied not. Then I pointed out this is not a bother yet since we're still "newly" married. I said that years down the line being "so close" would begin to become less exciting. He replied matter of factly that we would have to find ways to make it exciting. He said maybe there would be days when we would "disappear" from each other. I told him that won't be too difficult since both our jobs often take us travelling... Then we just left it at that. We just continued enjoying the moment, quietly "reconnecting," finding each other again after racing about our individual concerns that day.

Our day does not usually end that way -- by "reconnecting." There are also days when it would end with me giving him dagger-looks, as if to say we'll continue arguing in the morning as we are both sleepy already... Or him turning away from me indicating that he'd rather sleep than argue with me, hehehe. But often, Bolo and I still enjoy the same "closeness" that we had as sweethearts. And I'm both thankful and "mindful" of that everyday.

Travelling Mom Leaving Mt. Matutum

I'm feeling really lethargic at the moment. Real sleepy too. Gone on travel again yesterday for work. We left Davao at 11 in the morning and arrived here again last night at 11 in the evening. I was again in Tupi for the project I'm wrapping up there... And we finished quite late so add that to 4 hours travel back home, it's no wonder we got back to the city late as well. And I had to fetch baby and B from the in-laws. That's where they stayed while I was on travel.

We arrived home at around midnight then there's cleaning up the pump and the bottles to do. My...err...breasts... were so swollen on the ride back home that I was not able to sleep while we were travelling. I did manage to express some milk while on the road though (I'm getting good at it hehehe) But it wasn't enough to relieve me of the sworeness. Both weighed so heavily that at one point I had a hard time breathing... Haaay.

Breastfeeding. Well, it really takes commitment to continue breastfeeding after returning to work. But I'm truly deadset about it. I would find myself often rushing back home no matter where on earth I came from, just so I could continue breastfeeding baby. It's not always easy though. But, I want nothing but the best for my son. I guess that's how mothers really are. Been reading up on the subject ever since I conceived and every literature there is only tell me one thing -- there is nothing like Mom's milk. The benefits are enormous and the inconvenience one has to bear is nothing compared to it. So I'm sticking with it as long as I can :)

But back to work... Below is a picture I've taken during the travel I've mentioned above.

Leaving Mt. Matutum. I was about to board our vehicle when this particular view caught my attention and took my breath away.

I'm currently wrapping up a project I have with the upland farmers in Mt. Matutum. Actually, it's already the second phase I'm wrapping up so for like two years, I have been frequenting the slopes of this great mountain. During the first year, there were times when I had to spend days and nights in her midst.

Even before my involvement with the project, I have already been to Matutum for the 7th Mindanao Forum, a mountaineering activity. The activity had us practically trampling all over the foot and midst of Mt. Matutum but did not have the chance to scale her peak. I had thought that with the project, I'd finally have my chance. But then again, while I was there, she was close for a while due to some "insurgency" concerns and then later on I had gotten married and then gotten pregnant. Now, the possibility seems a bit remote. Maybe when baby is a bit older already...

The project had been quite a headache to me for a number of reasons and now that it is about to end I'm like heaving a sigh of relief. What I'm feeling now I could compare to what I usually feel when I'm on a climb, particularly when I'm on the last stretch - that bit when the peak is already close at hand and yet seems so far away because you're down to your last ounce of energy. In truth, I could not wait to end the project. It had caused me several problems. But a part of me is sad about leaving the area and the people there. Well, at least "some" people he-he-he.

Just as I treat every experience, my involvement with the project had been a goldmine of learning for me. And yet I also know that I would always look at the experience as something that had not been entirely pleasant. But it did taught me a great deal about what we do in our work and how we "affect" the people who are supposed to be the "beneficiaries" (the politically correct term should be "partners) of our project. Hmm... make that how these people "affect" us who are implementing projects in their community.

Ahh... I could go on and on about this subject -- the relationship between project partners and implementers but as of the moment, I'm still feeling so raw about the whole thing that I want to rest my mind for a while before I write about it.

Life is beautiful. With it comes beautiful experiences. They might not be often pleasant but these experiences are beautiful just the same. If only for the beautiful people you came to meet in the process...

For now, I'm leaving Mt. Matutum but I'm pretty sure I'll find myself in her midst again one day. Perhaps with my little one in tow...

Fireworks

March 11, 2006
12:55 AM
Our Room

Bolo just drove away and I’m left with Baby here who also seems to miss his Tatay since he’s having a hard time settling down. B lingered quite a bit when he passed right in front of the terrace, rolled his window down and repeatedly waved goodbye at baby. Baby had woken up and so I carried him with me to wave his tatay off. I could sense B’s hesitation. He had already expressed his misgivings at having to leave again instead of just going to sleep with us. But he still has lots of things to do.

There’s an ongoing “Outdoor Week” in the city and tomorrow (make that today considering the time), being a weekend, is going to be its culmination. There are lots of activities going on. For starters, there’s going to be an early kayak race a few hours from now and I heard from Bolo that they had quite a show last night involving some stunts with the crocodiles. (The venue for the activity is centered at the city’s Crocodile Park.)

I feel quite rueful at having to miss all of it. B had been encouraging when I expressed the desire to tag along but I have reports to finish in time for an early travel on Monday. Plus, Ate, my dear cousin-cum-sister-I-never-had and the kids are arriving this afternoon after having been gone for two years. They’ll be staying for a little less than two months before going back to UK. As it is, there are still lots of cleaning up to do around the house as the bedrooms are not even made up yet. B however cheered me up a bit when he mentioned catching up on the outdoor week activities later tonight. He told me I could bring the kids along. That would really be something to look forward to.

After dinner earlier, I watched Pinoy Big Brother to while the time away while I waited for B to come home. One of the housemates – Bea – turned out to be celebrating her birthday today. And as a surprise, her boyfriend decided to set up some fireworks outside of the Big Brother House. The fireworks went with a little sign that says, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE.” The whole scene had melted my heart right through. I was like saying to myself, “Aw… so sweet… I wish something like that would be done for me too…” And then it dawned on me, those little gestures that Bolo does for me untiringly are his fireworks for me. Every time he brings me milk in the morning, sees to it I eat my breakfast and have enough “baon” for lunch... All of these things are Bolo’s way of setting up his fireworks for me… Thank you B.

"Fotherhood"

I had to go home in a hurry this morning since B informed me that the milk I’ve left for baby seemed to be sour already. It was expressed last Friday while I was on travel. Since I was home from Saturday to Monday, I was able to nurse baby by myself so we just stored the expressed milk for today. Expressed milk is supposed to last up to 7 days when refrigerated. Obviously, something must have gone wrong – contaminated bottles (which was likely since I did express the milk while I was on travel and not at home where I get the bottle straight from the sterilizer), not storing it well (I had kept the milk in a cooler while I was on the road which could have not been enough considering it took me almost 4 hours to get home), etc.

Anyway, when I got home this morning, I immediately fed baby. My Mom who happens to be there reproached me for getting the baby hungry by my insistence to feed him purely on breast milk. The discussion leaned towards our having to resort to mix feeding. For a while, I relented. So B and I both figured out the directions indicated at the back of the milk’s tin can. We bought a can of formula a week before I was due to return to work, in-case we might have to resort to mix feeding. Thank God we haven’t resorted to that yet! Perhaps for now :( Heaven forbid!

Being pesco-vegetarian ourselves, we opted to have a soya-based formula for baby. This, with the assurance from our pediatrician that it could meet baby’s nutritional needs as cow’s milk formula can. It was a little tricky trying to figure out the directions at the back of the tin. Instead of the usual 1:1 ratio (read: 1 scoop of milk for every 1 oz. of water), it said something like 1 scoop for every 60 ml of water. We understood that fine. The confusion came when we checked the chart for how much to feed baby vis-à-vis his current month-age. The chart jumped from 2 months to 4 months. That left us somewhat clueless as to how much to feed a 3-month old baby. We figured maybe somewhere in-between. Since we’re talking about our baby’s well-being here, we felt quite uncomfortable having to leave everything to guess work. So we opted to ask some close friends whom we know are bottle-feeding their babies. Bolo called up Vince, a close friend of his who also just recently became a father. The whole time they were talking, I was laughing silently. I really found the whole thing amusing. Well, it’s funny, here are two men who are supposed to be “macho” (read: very much into sports and outdoor activities and well, a “little” into womanizing in their “younger” days) swapping information on the basics of bottle-feeding he-he-he cute! :)

The fact that Bolo is very much hands-on when it comes of taking care of our baby is something that I’m truly grateful about. I thank God everyday for that. The fact alone that he obviously dotes on our baby is enough to make me happy but to see that he really takes an active part in taking care of him tops it all for me. Thank you B, for being such a good “fother” to our son.

On...err... Working

Taking a break from work. I've been staring on a project document for the longest time not quite knowing what to do with it. I'm supposed to edit it, check if it fits the TOR given to us by our client. This is just one of the things that needed to be done before I leave for Tupi, South Cotabato this friday. It's my first travel venture for months as I have not been travelling ever since I got advice from my OB not to.

I'm supposed to leave today but our project resource person could not make it since he's still in Oroquieta in Misamis Occidental. That would be like 15 hours or so of travel-time from here by land. I should know since that the last travel I did before I got "grounded." I see the delay as a good thing since there are still a lot of things that needed to be done for our on-site project activity.

Working. I really have a hard time working again. I have difficulty in "getting my grove back." And it's not helping at all to have baby smiling at me and then giving me that hopeful look everytime I get ready to leave for work every morning. Most of the time he's into a playful mood and it's almost a physical ache having to turn my back on him.

But I had to work. That person who thinks that her work help defines who she is, is still lurking around here somewhere. The same person who could not quite sit still until her deadlines are met and the outputs are satisfactorily given. I know I wouldn't also be at peace sitting at home knowing there are still a lot of things that had to be settled at work. As it is, I have to wrap up this project that is so long overdue already. And with that, I'd better get back to work.