One Fine (Tuned) Sunday

Last week, Tatay and Rod had an episode again.  Instead of making it weigh me down as usual, I shrugged my shoulders, got on my knees and looked at the heavens.  I could only pray.  So it was a good thing that today Tatay sent me a video of  Rod trying out the piano.  He had been tellling his Tatay to get it fixed.  It's been a while since rain damaged it.  And Rod and/ or Ate Janin at the piano is always something that gives us some kind of a relief.  Because it meant Rod or Ate is off their gadgets.  What made me real happy though was when Tatay told me the four of them worked on the piano today.  And it seemed Rod has come around after keeping his distance again after the fight with his Tatay.  I pray sana tuloy2x na.  

What to Say?

So I couldn't again resist buying Forest an African dress at the Malawi airpot this morning. In the three months that I was home before this deployment, /we were always fighting over her bursting closet (and toys and stuff that is all over the house but that is another matter).  She simply has a lot of clothes.  And they are in these categories -- (a) clothes that is her current size and is currently wearing; (b) clothes she has outgrown and are too small for her; (c) clothes that she is about to outgrow and are a bit tight and uncomfortable to wear already; (d) some hand-me-downs from Ate Tunga, Ate Badak and Ate Nico that are still a bit large for her.

I've been wanting her to give away those (b) and (c) because even her (a) clothes are simply far too many.  She holds on to the former two however with so much fervor and kept telling me, "Nanay, I'm not yet ready to give them away."  She would even quote her Tita Jeni saying, "Sabi ni Tita Jeni, ibigay ko lang daw ang mga damit ko pag ready na ako." Hah!

Some of those (b) clothes though are those that Lola bought. I totally understand and honor her feelings of wanting to keep them. There are, however, a lot of those also that are simply too little for her.  For (c) clothes, we've compromised that she wears them often these days as her way of  getting ready to say goodbye to them. We agreed she would wear them once or twice as a way of saying goodbye and then we give them away.   At times she would relent.  Almost always though she does not like to wear them and would say she wanted to wear something "comfortable" and loose. And the old argument would start again with me insisting again that she gives away those clothes already!

This morning though while shopping I remember a particular incident before I left for this deployment.  Forest came to me and shared that a classmate told her she is "paarte" wearing trendy clothes in school. She shared further how she replied that she is only wearing the clothes I buy her from my travels because she doesn't want them to go to waste.

I was left speechless. I did not know want to say.  Even as a little child, Forest already loves to dress up.  Sure, we are the ones buying her dresses.  Everyone in the family is just too excited to have again a baby girl after a long while that we went quite overboard with the clothes.  They are not often expensive but a lot of them are cute ones. I guess, it's like having a live Barbie doll in our midst.  But even as a little child, she would choose what to wear by herself.  She loves changing too.  She simply loves clothes, period.  Year after year, she has her own taste in clothes.  And on certain days, she likes wearing particularl type of clothes -- skirt over leggings... stockings with her Sunday dress... etc. etc.

My first impulse was to tell her to yes, indeed, she needed to tone down her dressing up when she goes to school. She does not want to be too flashy.  But then, I caught myself.  I paused and thought if that was the right thing to say.  I thought how Forest's clothes for school are not really flashy and not appropriate. In fact, those that I buy for her are just good cotton clothes. Loose ones that would be quite useful for her activities in school.  Some though really just stood out because of the prints.

I'm thinking now, should I just let her wear plain, "color-of-the-day"t-shirt and pants?  She has plenty of those too. But often, when deciding what to wear for school she would reach out to the cotton dresses and bottoms I bought for her.  She likes them because they are comfortable and give her enough room for movement. Also, I'm thinking, what message am I sending to her by asking her to tone down her choices just because someone called her out? If I do so, is that also tantamount to "putting out her fire?" To not honor that part of her who knows exactly what she wants to wear just because we are too concerned of what other people feel and think?

There are already instances that I did just that -- asking her if she would pair a dress with sneakers instead of the Sunday shoes she is thinking of pairing it with. This, in an attempt to make it less party-like and more school appropriate.  Or, to wear her rugged, cargo pants instead of her choice of skirt over a pair of leggings.  And for what?  Because I don't want her to stand out far too much while in school. But those are her preferrences and I'm telling her not to just because.

Sure, I would draw the line if Forest would wear something inappropriate like something far too sexy to be age appropriate. But that's just the thing.  Forest herself do not like showing skin.  She does not like for her knees to show thus she found a way to still wear the skirts she loves by pairing them with leggings.

So there I was at that time telling her exactly how I felt-- "I don't know what to say, Forest."  On the one hand, I want to give her freehand at defining who she is, what she likes, doesn't like.  I would never want to commit the mistake of shaping her into someone who would limit her choices because of what other people think. I want her to embrace herself, love herself for who she is.  I wouldn't want her to think I want her to be a version of a person that is "acceptable" to everyone. That would be like saying I don't love her for who she is. Arrrgh!  To overthink no?

I thought I've already laid dow this overthinking tendencies to rest.  Come to think of it, I have, when it comes to making my own choices. I don't really overthink that much anymore. I let life and God be.  But I guess, when it comes to my children, I still do because I would always want what's best for them.

So what to say when Forest would again share with me a similar incident? I still don't have the answers.  For now, I'm more leaning towards letting her be as long as she is not hurting anyone or is not short-changing herself. I'm thinking now, we can't always help what other children would think or would say to her.  I don't want her to feel guilty for her personal choices. It's like being sorry for being who she is. I would never want that for Forest! Or all my children!  And as she relayed, she is finding her own words on what to say during such situations.  And I think, in a way, that is a mini-course right there for her; something that would prepare her as an adult when the time comes.  There would always be someone who would dislike her and her choices.  There would always be that instance when her choices would not sit well with others.  Nanay would not always be there to coach her in how to handle those things.

Baba God, help and show me the way!

Parables

Woke up to find an angry message from my teen-age son which ended with something like, "Don't give me speeches again as it would not change anything."  Right.  So full of angst huh?  It was heartbreaking but I guess being away gave me enough space not be drawn right into his drama. And slowly, I found the words.  Hal-way through, I began to realise why Jesus had to talk in parables.  Because it would make you think. Because the stories would draw you right inwards and engages you at the soulful level. Jesus indeed is so full of wisdom. And now, as a parent to THREE teenagers (including Tatay), I am learning and LEANING more and more towards Him and His wisdom. Abba God, help me.

Attending Mass in Blantyre and Remembering Mama

I feel grateful today since I was finally able to go to Mass.  In my past deployments, there hardly was any Catholic Church around. So it was quite difficult.  In Iraq,it was only on my last year and when I moved to Erbil that I finally got a chance to attend the weekly Masses (on Friday).

Today's gospel has been on Mary and Martha and how the latter was bemoaning the fact that Mary was not helping her in the kitchen, preparing food for Jesus and the other guest.  Mary was instead right where Jesus was listening to his talk.  In the Homily, the priest mentioned about balance.  I thought the stress would be on prayer as usually is the case when this was the gospel. The priest instead talked of the importance of creating a balance in our lives -- for prayer and for apostolic life.

The Mass ended a bit early.  There were less songs.  /t's pretty much like the noon time Masses back home.  Still, it was a blessing to have been able to go.  When I went out of the church, it was chilly.  Freezing even.  I was so desperate to get out of the cold that I went down right away when I car similar to the office taxi arrived.  It was embarrassing to find out later on that it wasn't the car at all. So I went right back tnside.

I missed you so much today, Mama. Days had been great. Working hours were long but you know how happy my work makes me. But yes, sometimes grief has a way of sneaking up on you. I saw some video of a celebrity couple moving into their new home. They made a trip down memory lane, reminiscing the time when they first lived in a small, rented condo unit up until this point that they are moving into a house of their dreams.

I resonated. I remember those times when we would crowd in our bedroom watching funny DVDs. We would all sit on the big bed --you, the children and myself, having the time of our lives. Loreto would be on the floor or would crowd next to us. So I searched through our family pictures and came acroos this. It speas of so much volume. It speaks of how much love you have given to us all.

I'm just grateful that God had given me the many opportunities to give back to you what you have given me... us.. the children. But they were not even half of what you have given me, us. I love you, Mama. I miss you.

Highlands

O how high would I climb mountains
       C                         G
If the mountains were where You hide
    Em                    D
O how far I'd scale the valleys
      C                  G
If You graced the other side


[Verse 2]
    Em                  D
O how long have I chased rivers
           C                   G
From lowly seas to where they rise
            Em                D
Against the rush of grace descending
        C                 G
From the source of its supply


[Pre-Chorus 1]
              C          D          Em
'Cause in the highlands and the heartache
               G                 D
You're neither more or less inclined
       C           D         Em
I would search and stop at nothing
            C
You're just not that hard to find


[Chorus]
G
 I will praise You on the mountain
D                                                Em
 And I will praise You when the mountain's in my way
           D                       C
You're the summit where my feet are
                                            G
So I will praise You in the valleys all the same
                              D
No less God within the shadows
                                           Em
No less faithful when the night leads me astray
           D
You're the heaven where my heart is
C                                           Em    D     C    G
 In the highlands and the heartache all the same


[Verse 3]
    Em                   D
O how far beneath Your glory
          C                   G
Does Your kindness extend the path
                Em               D
From where Your feet rest on the sunrise
             C                    G
To where You sweep the sinner's past


[Verse 4]
    Em                      D
O how fast would You come running
           C                       G
If just to shadow me through the night
        Em                    D
Trace my steps through all my failure
            C              G
And walk me out the other side


[Pre-Chorus 2]
              C      D           Em
For who could dare ascend that mountain
              G                D
That valleyed hill called Calvary
            C     D           Em
But for the One I call Good Shepherd
           C
Who like a lamb was slain for me


[Chorus]
G
 I will praise You on the mountain
D                                                Em
 And I will praise You when the mountain's in my way
           D                       C
You're the summit where my feet are
                                            G
So I will praise You in the valleys all the same
                              D
No less God within the shadows
                                           Em
No less faithful when the night leads me astray
           D
You're the heaven where my heart is
C                                           Em    D     C    G
 In the highlands and the heartache all the same



[Bridge]
              Em                     D
Whatever I walk through, wherever I am
                      C                   G
Your name can move mountains wherever I stand
                  Em                        D
And if ever I walk through the valley of death
                        C                   G
I'll sing through the shadows my song of ascent


              Em                     D
Whatever I walk through, wherever I am
                      C                   G
Your name can move mountains wherever I stand
                  Em                        D
And if ever I walk through the valley of death
                        C                  G                  Em    D    C    G
I'll sing through the shadows my song of ascent, my song of ascent
              Em     D     C     G
My song of ascent


[Pre-Chorus 3]
         C       D        Em
From the gravest of all valleys
         G                  D
Come the pastures we call grace
         C        D      Em
A mighty river flowing upwards
       C
From a deep but empty grave


[Chorus]
G
 I will praise You on the mountain
D                                                Em
 And I will praise You when the mountain's in my way
           D                       C
You're the summit where my feet are
                                            G
So I will praise You in the valleys all the same
                              D
No less God within the shadows
                                           Em
No less faithful when the night leads me astray
           D
You're the heaven where my heart is
C                                           G
 In the highlands and the heartache all the same

Oh Abba Father, how You find me everytime. 

There I was sitting here, trying to fight sleep as I try to do my work.  

Then this song came through the earphones and my whole being awakens.  

I am reminded once again how I am never really alone in this, huh?  

Whether I find myself in the midst of a city, in front

of a great mountain, somewhere near a dessert, an ocean, a sea... 

Your Presence readily makes Itself felt  just when I needed it the most or 

even when I am not fully conscious I do.  But yes, the timing is always perfect. 

Always, always...

Indeed my God, I would climb a mountain if I am to find you there.  

I would go where you lead mw, even if my heart bleeds at the thought of 

leaving my little ones behind. I would go even when I am full of self-doubt. I go.  

Thank you for your gift of Calvary and for showing us all the way.

I may not be perfect, always a work in progress but I love You. I love You. 

Even when I knew it pales in comparison to the love You have for us; 

even when I do not demonstrate it always, not in the same way that You always show 

just how much You love me.

Grateful. I am grateful Lord for everything, for Your grace, 

for everything you've showered my life with.

Oh! Forest

Talked with Forest yesterday over Skype. She immediately blurted out, "Miss na kita, Nay! Mingaw ang bahay wala ka." (I miss you, Nanay! The house is quiet without you). Now in hindsight, I could not help but smile.  I wonder if she was referring to the times I've been nagging her and Kuya (and practically everyone in the house) for it being such a miss and for not picking up after themselves.
But at that instant, I felt my heart drop.  I knew then what she meant.  Coz just the night before that I also struggled going to sleep, lying on the bed without feeling her beside me.

She then told me she had a surprise for me going up the stairs.  She showed me a tidy hallway, a clean bin with the broom right beside it.  All her handiwork. And my heart expanded.  That was never clean whenI was at home. There was always some things lying on the floor (either her toys or Kuya's mess). The bin would be overflowing with bottles of sugary drinks (Kuya's!!!) and some other stuff.  At times a bunch of trash would be swept at one side with the broom next to it.  It was a disaster and a scene that readily pushed my button. So when she showed me she cleaned it all, I knew she really must miss me...

That very same day, in the morning, we also had a quick call.  I was getting ready for the office.  It was 6 AM my time.  It meant around noon in theirs.  It was a good thing she was on a health break from school.  She was home.  It was Tatay who called me so I immediately asked for her -- "Si Forest, Tay?"  Tatay directed the phone towards his left where Forest apparently was lying down, trying to take a nap.  In jest, Tatay said, "Diara o, pangit na Forest." (Here's the ugly Forest).  I was expecting an exclamation of protest.  Instead she was besides herself with mirth, laughing so hard.  So I asked, "What is so funny?"  She replied in between laughter, "Sabi niya kasi pangit ako. Eh mana ako sa kanya so pangit rin siya! Hahahaha!"  (Because he's saying I'm ugly but I look like him. So it means he's ugly too! Hahaha!)   Haaay, this kid!


I miss you everyday, Anak. I miss your arms around me.

Odd

Last night, I had dinner with a colleague whom I've met for the first time in Addis Ababa some two or years back.  It was for a week-long learning review.  The odd thing was, it turns out that she and I will also be based, at the same time, again in Africa but in a different country this time --Kenya.  It'sreally funny how life works.  Sure, I know that humanitarian field is such a small world and you're bound to bump into someone you've worked with in a response somewhere.  But yeah, it's just funny thing is that you meet a lot of people along the way and there are those you think are just on a one-off thing and then only to have life surprise you down the road, a little later. 

Another odd thing is that I find myself in such a colorful country (continent as I will be travelling to another one in two week's time) just when I'm on a self-imposed to-wear-all-white-tops only state. It's as if life has conspired to make sure my days at this time would not be so bleak.  It's as if I am being cheered up from the sidelines as I give myself time to grieve.

But yes, as I look at the colorful fabrics here I can't help but think of Mama.  Of how she would love the fabrics here; of how there would be no more skype calls to tell her how colorful things are here.

Last week, tears just came when I made a mental note of what to buy from here (if I have the time) for home. I stopped short when it dawned on me that there would be no more buying pasalubongs for Mama.

Indeed they say life goes on and it comes with many surprises.  I am busy now with work and other responsibilities but often, grief also has a funny way of sneaking on you during odd moments.  I am grieving for you,Mama. It is not easy and yet somehow I feel your presence and how you're making certain that life goes on for me.  Even in death you are making your love felt.  May you rest in peace and find happiness where you are now, in God's loving embrace. 

Like Easing into a New Pair of Shoes

I’m in a new role (workwise) and quite frankly, I’ve had had bouts of self-doubt – Can I do this?  Can I do justice to this role? Am I ready to take this on? What about the role requirement that takes me out of my comfort zone – reaching out to others… Having to voice my opinions. 

I do voice my opinion, especially on things I feel so strongly about.  It’s having this feeling that I have to say my piece on everything we need to review and comment on that is something that makes me a bit uncomfortable.  I am always the type who chooses one’s battles.  If I see it as something that does not need underlining anyway then I just let the others do the talking.  There is always that someone in the room who loves to talk and comment and point out faults and what-not’s.  That’s not me.  Of late though, I feel pressured (perhaps just self-imposed?) to say something each and every time. 

Now that I think about it, perhaps, I am more of “hmm-there-is-something-wrong-how-can-I-help-change-that” or “what-can-I-do” type of person.  I prefer to just delve right in and see what I can help with to assuage the situation.  Looking back, I’ve always been that one who immediately rolls up one’s sleeves and go right into work.  I’m not saying there is something wrong with the person who loves to talk and discuss issues out in the open.  To me, each of us has a role to fill in, in this big drama called “Life.”  And ever since I’ve “adulted,” I’ve grown more tolerant of others and more cognizant of each of our “gift” into the world.

Imagine having a team composed of people who are exactly alike.  Like me, for instance who prefer to just sit back and let the more agitated ones do the talking.  Then we would all sit on an issue and trust the universe will do its bit to make it better.  Or, to slowly go our own way doing every bit we can and ending up duplicating our efforts.  The value of having someone who speaks out loud and agitate is that it forces people to discuss. This leads to being able to openly identify course of actions. Although yes, often, all this “agitation” can lead to hurt feelings (ego is more like it) and conflict, etc. etc.

So anyway, as I’m saying, I’m in this new role and is having these episodes of self-imposed pressure. It’s pretty much like being friends for a long time and then deciding to become boyfriend-girlfriend.  There was no pressure being friends. You get along just fine and actually enjoy each other’s company. It’s when you take a step further when everything goes awry. 

One begins to think, “Now what? As my boyfriend, he should be more this, more that…. Do this, do that… Be this, be that… to me as his girlfriend.”  When one becomes the girlfriend, the once spontaneous getting together becomes more strained.  “What should I wear? How should I greet him when I see him? How should I be around him?” These things we never even bother about in the past but just because of this new “role,” we have certain expectations and begin to have certain uncertainties.

I feel I’m in the same predicament as of the moment. The previous role, I can do even with my eyes closed.  Everyone knows it too.  In this new role though, I have certain assumptions as to how I should act and be.  And it is not easy.  I have to remind myself several times that those in the team with me are so busy (just as I am) that they do not have time to think about my self-thought inadequacies. I have to remind myself that we are not in competition with each other because each of us has our own niche. I have to remind myself that perhaps, for all I know, they could be rooting for me to succeed in my role. 

I’m on my first deployment now in my new role. And I’m doing just fine.  Grateful for that.  It’s doing something that I know so well again.  

I am now allowing myself to breathe, hoping that everything would be just fine.I know I’ll find my stride yet again in this new role. So help me, God. 

Orbital Blog 2019

It’s a rainy day and right then and there my plans for a birthday run flew out the window.  And there are indeed conflicting plans for today.  So much to do with so little time left.  I wanted to go to Mass but I wanted to have the children with me as well. Yet, at the same time, I was told that the Sto. Nino of Cebu is in Davao right now.  So timely.  Only, Sto. Nino would only be till noon at the City Cathedral.  Going to Mass with the kids meant waiting for them to finish school and then attending the 5 PM one. 

I wanted to have my hair done as well before I travel tomorrow but then that would mean sitting there for the whole 6 hours while my hair gets shampooed, straightened and what-nots.  And frankly, I’ve never been fond of the thought of spending such precious time just for vanity’s sake.  But then again, another part of me is saying I spend so much time attending to other things, 6 hours on “me” is well-deserved.   

Oh well, choices, choices.  I guess today’s whirlwind thoughts and being confronted with competing priorities is a perfect analogy of how my life is. Ain’t it the same for everyone else? What I meant though is that there are choices that would seem trivial (e.g. having the hair done) but is also telling of where I rank myself/ caring for “me” in my order of priorities.

I remember how of late, I’ve been having these epic battles with Rod for being disrespectful (teenage angst – always angry at everything) and equating that with him not valuing me at all. I would think (and sometimes even say it outright) of all the sacrifices I have to make; and of how I always think of his (their) needs first before my own. In my mind, for all of that, I don’t deserve to be “answered back” in any way (whether with a raised tone or with disrespectful words).  And yet, haven’t I experienced the same angst as a teenager?  Perhaps a little less frequent than what Rod (and sometimes even Forest) does, there were also moments when I was so frustrated at being so misunderstood that I would answer back to Mama and even to Papa before. And these conflicts really stem from me feeling that they do not value me at all when they should!

Ah.  I haven’t done this bit of self-reflection for a while, have I? And now, sitting here while I do just that I am reminded by how valuable it is and how it had always been the source of my “calm.”  Nothing ever fazes me in the past.  Frequent self-reflection always brings me to a certain understanding of myself, of others (that I may be in conflict with) and brings me back to the premise that indeed, “all is well.”  I would pick up the lesson, lodge it in my heart and move on.

Of late though, I’ve been more of a “war-freak” than my usual calm. I guess, having had to deal with so much the past year, losing Mama, being sick and having no time at all to just be still, to think and process everything, I was such an emotional wreck.  My excuse had been, “there’s so much to do!” So much tidying up, picking up after the kids (including the eldest), work deliverables and other commitments.  And, I guess, my body is also just recovering and wanting to just rest.

Now, I’m again on the verge of another journey.  Another work commitment that would take me away from family. I knew very early on how this is also a calling for me. And I also feel that God re-affirms this with me every chance there is. It could be in a form of the Homily being said or the Communion song or a message I’ve read here and there.  And the message has always been constant.  That I should not be afraid for I am never alone. In fact, His promise is that He is going before me always. 

Leaving the kids, especially Forest is always heart breaking for me. Flights that take me away is always a painful experience – physically and figuratively.  It would start with being breathless, tightened chest and a sense of being overwhelmed.  But true enough, once I get started at work, I would know with certainty that I was also meant to be where I should be.

Father God, You have gifted me with such a wonderful life. You know very well what my struggles are atthe moment. While I don’t have that full confidence in me, I have in You. I know You have planted me where I should be. I’m praying I will be able to give the best of me wherever I may be and in whatever role I find myself in.  Thank you for the many favours you’ve given me all throughout this journey. My heart overflows with gratitude.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

For Rod

https://herviewfromhome.com/dear-son-when-you-no-longer-want-kisses-from-mama/

Dear Rod,

That day has come, hasn't it? But yes, you came when Nanay was less tired, with much more energy, with a little less responsibility... so I was able to write. Write tons of my moments with you.

I remember to be in a middle of writing a proposal and a thought of a shared earlier moment with you would crop up. I remember looking at my watch noting how I've worked solid hours enough. I'd tell myself, I'm due for a creative break and so I would write, document that very moment with you.

I remember writing with my head inclined to one side as I try to remember every nuance, every detail coz I want to preserve them for this very moment we have now, when our relationship would begin to change.

I used to be your hero, now more like the antagonist as I nag you endlessly about responsibilities and should's. Motherhood is a tough job, my love. There's always that careful balancing between simply being the soft, lenient, "loving," "always yes" Mom and then being firm about non-negotiables. Coz you see, I also have to make sure you are healthy, have enough sleep and is always choosing to be kind.

I still love you to bits, Rod even though our battles are quite epic these days. I know, as your Lola used to tell me when I was also in my teens... "You would understand one day when you're finally the parent why I have to be tough on you today. You would understand someday." And understood I did.

From This Day On

Who's With You?

They say women confuses men.  I could say it's vice versa, only in our case, couple that with exasperation as well.  The other day, while I was in the hospital for my check-up, my eyes literally rolled.

Tatay, upon learning that I finally went to have my check-up, immediately asked was who's with me.  And that was quite a legitimate question.  But then he quickly added that with, "Lalaki?"

I was like, "What the!"  Of the many questions to ask like, "How are you feeling? Are you okay?" He thought it more important to ask first if I was accompanied by a male.  Go figure!

Oily Journey

Forest: Nanay, i-post mo, "Forest is a doctor in school."

This, when I asked if she still has her oil stash. She related how a classmate often has tummy pain and how she administers the oil to her. Which, consequently makes her think she is a doctor :) Funny kid.

It made me think though that when we embarked on this oily journey, it was merely to be in keeping with our desire for what is healthy and good for the children. Without intending to, it allowed us to demonstrate just how concerned we are about their well-being. Administering the oils on the soles of their feet, at their back are really way more caring than giving a pill to drink.

If this oily journey would awaken the healer in Forest, I would be so much grateful for it. If it would reinforce her already caring attitude, what more can I ask for/

Just earlier, she talked about the oils as if she knows them intimately -- Panaway, Digize - making reference to what her Lola use. And last night, when I told her she ought to have Raven to counter the beginnings of colds and cough she is feeling, she looked for it in her Lola's PSK right away,saying "Rrrrrr" the whole time, attempting to read :)

Oh I miss you a lot, Forest. Every single day. Tonight, I watched her sleep as she had requested. I told her a story first and then I sang to her, until slowly her eyes closed and her breathing became much deeper. I did not stop singing even then (our version of Rock a-By which i sing to her since she was a baby and our latest craze, "A Million Dreams" from the Greatest Showman). It was as if I was thinking that if I sing longer it would make up for the absence that a real hug would bring :( I will be going home soon!

And So We Talked Again

I'm so happy today since Kuya Rod indulged me with a Skype conversation that stretched minutes and not just a few seconds as before.  While he still refused to look at the camera, he was chatty as he used to be with me.

Well, it had been awhile.  Him become a teen (and most likely trying to find himself as well), Rod is more intent about being on his own, being glued to his phone.  He even refuses to go out with us on occasions, often just opting to be at home. Even if it means he would be left there on his own.  It is breaking my heart, missing how we used to connect in the past.  He is after all my best friend before (even when he was merely 3).  We never talk down on him and even early on, he showed every indication of being such an old soul.  So when he was merely a toddler, he acts as if me and my friends (his Tita's Candy, Jeni, Rochelle) are his circle of friends as well. 

But yes, it felt great to be talking again and to have him "ask my permission" on whether he ought to buy bluetooth earphones or not.  That he did not insist and listened to what I had to say were to me an indication that he still values my opinion although at times, these days, he could be pretty stubborn. 

I had to give a lecture on burn brain cells and had to assure him I'll pay for standard earphones when he needs one (his argument had been -- Nanay, earphones are very expensive! Blue tooth ones cost half of it!).  I had to strongly tell him to take care of his earphones though so we would not be throwing good money away. 

We got to talk about musical instruments as well to which he strongly voice his objection.  Haaaaay.  I could not force the issue though.  He mentioned how costly it is to have lessons and I had to tell him Nanay doesn't mind having to scrimp on some things so we could afford him one.  He said he would rather pay for wifi as nowadays, kids are pretty high-tech already.  I was indignant of course and told him as much (although now I suspect that he was just saying that to get the exact reaction from me).

So yeah, I'm praying the relationship would continue, teenage angst notwithstanding.  I guess it helped when I texted him last Thursday as to how I thought of him that day (and everyday) and how he can always count on Nanay to fight his battles for him as well, in a way he would want me too.

Well, that is true, Rod. Nanay might not be always at your side now.  Please know that I am always thinking of you and pray for what is best for you.  If I have such heartfelt well wishes for friends and others, so much more for you, my children.  I love you to the moon and back, Kuya. Always remember that.

Bangladesh Chronicles: "Data Gathering"

The silence in the room was palpable.  I was conducting an FGD with women-- both representatives of the Host Community and refugees.  As in every FGD I facilitate, I tried my best to explain the purpose of the discussion and asked if they have any questions.  When there was none, I proceeded with the first question on my list -- "What are your priorities now?" And the answers came pouring in -- food, proper shelter, gas stoves, medicines, toilet...

Then came the next question, "How about three years from now? Do you think your priorities would change by then?  What would they be?"

I knew when I finalised the questions for the FGD that this is a question I had to handle carefully.  After all, how could  one ask them to think of something far beyond their current situation?  But nothing prepared me from seeing the shocked expression from their faces after I asked the question. Indeed, from the looks on their faces, it is something that they never thought about up until I brought it up.

Perhaps, in their case, they are still coming to terms with their immediate past, the horrors that they had faced. Perhaps, they are being weighed down by their day to day concerns-- where to get their next meal; longing for a better house than what they currently have; how to address the needs of ailing family members; or wishing and hoping that things are safe enough back home so they could go back.

Who are we then to ask them about tomorrow, plans for the next three months.. for the next year when everyday that comes is uncertain in itself?

Anniversary

So we're pretty sleepless today, really.  Because late last night, we were still awake. Well, at least I was fully awake and I kept waking Tatay up (who was tired from a soccer game earlier that afternoon) so we could mark the day.  I'm in one of those stubborn moments. 

And so, we ended up talking for a while.  Yesterday, I was actually feeling a bit resentful and yet apathetic.  We've been fighting a lot lately I wasn't feeling excited about celebrating the anniversary at all.  For one, we're apart. And, lately, I'm really at that phase wherein I feel totally unappreciated and taken for granted.  Come to think of it, that, I think is one of the reasons for our constant "encounters" lately. 

We got into talking about our first... well... I just had to log it in (was looking for a particular post in this blog earlier and got to rid some snippets of logged event that I could not for the love of me even remember at all!  But I wrote them and there they were.  They did happen.  I just could not remember.  So, here I am then... Logging in something a bit.... err... intimate... lest, I forget in some distant future)  So, I'm saying.  I've always have this pet peeve about our first.  For all my formative years (and beyond) spent reading (and around 50% of them, romantic novels), I always have this notion about making every "first" special.  It has to have all the works.  However, our first was not exactly marked with all the special effects, or fireworks or anything of the sort.  When I asked him about it he said, "Alangan, palangga gud kaayo ta ka. (So I did not force it)." And that set the tone for the rest of the day.

He, Rod and Forest went to church to light a candle and say a prayer.  He bought cake.  Forest sang us a "Happy THIRTEENTH anniversay" in a cute, sing-song voice.  (Which totally amused me).  So what more can I ask for? 

Thank you, God.  Thank you, B.  For making all the effort and for making me feel loved today.  I love you, hurot!

Orbital Blog 2018

I just gotten off chat with Ate Gaga.  On her part of the world, it was already midnight and so she greeted me.  But yes, even this morning, I already got some advance greetings from high school friends. 

And finally, I was able to talk to Tatay and the children. We were able to pray together as well.  It had been a trying three days of not being able to talk to each other. It drove me nuts and made me truly depressed.  It was not a nice feeling to have.  It is difficult being alone and away from family.  The only source of my strength and re-charging at the end of the day is when I get to talk to the children.  It doesn’t have to be a lengthy conversation.  Just praying together would be enough.  But yes, talked we finally did and everything is just good from there.  Tatay and I ended up talking till midnight (2 am at his end).  He patiently waited for midnight to greet me and I guess we also made up for the three day “missed-communication.” 

This morning, I was awaken quite early (4 am my end, 6 in theirs) by a skype call. I know it was around the time that Kuya and Tatay are on their way to school.  I missed it though because my phone konked out, failing to charge the entire night.  It took forever to open to my laptop and get Skype running. By the time I was able to get through, Tatay and Rod have already left for school.  I tried getting back to sleep but my brain was already awake so I just laid there not quite asleep but not awake either.  Then Skype rang.  It was Tatay (back from Kuya’s school and Forest, singing me a happy birthday with our traditional small cake to blow.)  Forest was so cute my heart was filled to the brim. 

It was all love and well wishes from there.  From messenger, fb, skype, they came pouring in from loved ones and dear friends from all over.  It was a nice feeling to have.

It was a working day for me and I thought it was meaningful to have been able to contribute again in my own little way.  The past months have really been trying. I had to combat bouts of depression (which blew me away, knowing that I always have such a positive disposition) and it is only faith that is keeping me centered and away from thoughts of self-harm. Today, being able to finish what I did from work and having had all the fuss being thrown my way, I was affirmed.  I am loved.  

Thank you, God.  Thank you, family, friends and loved ones, for taking the time out to show me just how much.  I love you back. 

Letter to Rod who's 12

There was this (see the memory below). Now, we hardly speak to each other as he is starting to shape a world of his own. 

I love you, Rod. I always will. In a few months, you'll be a full fledged teen. I know I have to accept the fact that you are slowly moving away from Nanay's lap as you try to find your way into the world. Know that I am always here to support you in every way.

As I often say, "Kung ano pa man yan (whatever you find/identify yourself to be, wherever you may find yourself in), our love and acceptance would always be there" If there are things that would prove to be confusing, let us be confused together. You might want to find the answers on your own and that is fine. But, should you want someone's hand to hold on to while you are doing so or an embrace to draw strength from, mine, Tatay's and Lola's are always here to engulf you for as long as you want.

It's not always easy letting go and at times, I miss our closeness like this and the time I was always your hero. But as you said, you are growing up and we have to learn to let go. I am just grateful we still have our heartfelt conversations,no matter how far in between these days. Let's keep that up ha? I miss you.

5 Years Ago

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Tata Abella

30 June 2013 · 

Spent an afternoon of gardening with the kiddos. When I urged them to plant one kind of vegetable each, Rod came up to me and said, "Ano yung ayaw mo na plant, Nay?" Not quite getting what he's driving at, I asked him what he meant. He rephrased pointing at the different seeds at our feet, "Ano yung di special sa yo?"

I wondered if he's into the "rebelling" stage already, wanting to do something I would hate. Probably noting my confusion he explained, "Baka kasi mamatay, 'Nay. Buti na yung di special sa 'yo." And my heart melted right through. I chided myself for ever doubting my son. 'Love you, Rod. Thank you for being so thoughtful and mindful of Nanay's feelings :)

He ended up planting pechay, not actually a "non-favorite" but ranked less in priority this week, compared to arugula, lettuce and cherry tomatoes :) Forest planted the latter and she looked adorable dropping seeds in pre-readied recycled cans and watering them after. It was my niece-daughter, Janin who stuck with me till the end, planting arugula and basil :)

Thank you, God for a glorious Sunday afternoon