At a stand still

Indeed, I feel very much as if I'm at a stand still. Everything just seems to be... well, at a stand still. I sit here at my desk not quite knowing what to do. It's a pretty weird feeling. I'm used to having work upto my neck, not quite knowing which task to tackle first. Now, I sit here feeling worried to be not doing anything much. Weird.

Ahh... Noel Cabangon croons again. My discman's a constant companion lately. It helps me "concentrate," free me from the distractions here in the office. It carves for me a little cocoon where I could be alone with my thoughts. They could be noisy all they want, but with my earphones securely in place, they could very well not exist.

Now, it's Joey Ayala's voice filling my head. I'm actually listening to a copy of the CD, "Gitara, Lapis Atbp." It's a 12-track CD by Noel Cabangon and Joey Ayala for a fund-raising project of PBSP. Bee and I attended the launching concert here in Davao City last December. I bought a CD during the concert to help in the fund-raising bit and well, because I also liked the songs in it. The CD had become quite a favorite lately. Somehow I always find myself reaching for it often these days.

The concert. It was such an experience. The songs leaped at me. At one point in the concert, I sat there thinking I was probably the only person there with tears brimming from my eyes. I sat there, so still and quiet but so many things had been going on inside of me. It's difficult to explain really. I just knew that sitting there, knowing what cause the concert was for, and the lyrics of the songs literally embracing my whole being, I was reminded of the things I dreamt of as a child...

Idealistic. I was pretty much an idealistic child. I dreamt of changing the world, of making a contribution to humanity in whatever way I can... Now, I'm thinking, where has that child gone to? What had happened to her? Was her dream the same dream that used to fire her spirit so much in the past? Does she still have that at all -- fire in her spirit? Does she still have her spirit at all? Does she?

"Nangangapa" ako, trying to search myself... trying to find the answers to the above questions... I haven't asked myself those questions for a long time now... I find it funny, I started this blog just trying to fill my time and here I am totally surprising myself with these questions... Where did that come from? I guess the answer is simple really, being at a stand still, I am afforded with the luxury to get my bearings again. Not distracted with work and other tasks at hand, I am again able to look up and see where I have managed to get myself into.

"Where am I?" Now, it has come to that again, huh? The proverbial question -- where am I? Here I am sitting at my desk, earphones plugged to my ears... There's a folder and a gantt chart in front of me reminding me I still have some things to do before I leave tomorrow for South Cotabato to finally begin a project that had been stalled for a long time. That's where my physical body is. But my spirit, my soul? It's in a different plane altogether, crying for that lost child who had such big dreams...

The Greatest Waltz in the World

Last night, we stood in the middle of the room, barefoot. I was holding in one hand a Discman. We split the earphones between ourselves. Noel Cabangon croons,

"Ibig kong iduyan ka
sa king mga bisig,
Hahagkan
At yayakapin ng mahigpit...
Iduduyan ka....
Hahagkan at yayakapin...
Ihahanda ko ang daigig,
May pag-ibig sa paligid..."

I was trying to hold back the tears. I was choking up with my own emotions. I didn't want him to see my vulnerability. I didn't want him to guess that I was very much affected by this simple dance. It was supposed to be just fun, a play, being childish. But the moment felt very much intimate to me. It affected me to the very core. Then he reached up, held my face in both of his hands... I had closed my eyes by then, hoping to block the tears that were already streaming down my face. I was silently praying he wouldn't notice. If he had, he did not mention it. He just held me, smoothed the hair off my face. At one point he kissed me by the cheek were my tears lay. I'm not quite sure whether that is why he kissed me - to soothe away the tears. I didn't want to ask. It was such a tender moment. And one I'll never forget.

Hmm

Feeling really tired... hungry too. Haven't accomplished much today. Often feeling lethargic these days. I don't really know the reason for this. Must be the heat. That, and a bad case of insomia. For more than a month now I really have trouble sleeping. The earliest would be 1:30 A.M. and the latest being 3:30 A.M. Yup! extreme insomia, huh?

Last night, while I was desperately trying to convince myself to sleep, a thought cropped up. I recall how a speaker in our community once said that strengthening one's relationship with God could bring peace into one's life and thus assures you of a good night's sleep everytime. Last night, proving sleep to be elusive once again I asked myself, "Am I not at peace?" Why this difficulty to sleep?

I must admit, I am feeling a bit restless lately. It's as if I want to be somewhere else than where I am at present. I am thinking, could it be because I haven't done much travelling lately? Compared to the previous years, come February I would have been to different places already -- both for business and leisure purposes. Yet this year, here I am, seemed to be eternally rooted to the spot. I am wondering if this is really the cause for my restlessness. Is it?

Examining my feelings closely, I couldn't really say that the lack of travel is the reason for my restlessness. In fact, I could almost say that I'm feeling a bit relieved at being able to rest for some time. All those running about had somewhat left me "exhausted." Yeah, content and fulfilled but "tired" all the same =) I don't want to sound ungrateful since I'm feeling far from being ungrateful. In fact, I truly feel so blessed to have been afforded all those opportunities. All I'm saying is that right now, despite my feeling restless, I am also feeling blessed to have been given this time to rest, and to get my bearings again...

Hmm... at peace. I am feeling that now. I am at peace. This only affirms my belief that sometimes, really, it just takes a little introspection for one to fully realize that in whatever state one might be, he is truly blessed. All is well.

Having Friends Over the Weekend

Hmm... another week. My weekend's pretty okay. Did not do anything much. Spent the whole of Saturday till Sunday dawn having a movie marathon. I recently bought a complete set of "Friends" first season. Yup, the complete set! I really did not intended to finish the whole thing over the weekend. Just wanted to watch one or two of the CDs. Before I knew it, I couldn't go over a task or do something else without thinking about the other CDs left. So to get it out of my system, I gave in and finished the whole thing. It was fun. Some of the episodes I have already seen from before but it was still fun viewing them again. Now, I'm thinking about buying the whole season 2 set. But considering how costly it could be, maybe I could do without it for another month or two hehe

Sigh. Too many things to do with regards to work at the moment. Two of my projects are about to start already. It means having a lot of details to take care of... I'm actually glad.

On pictures, lunch, motherhood, kayaking and complexion

Did nothing much today. I wasn't even able to update any of the two blogs I have. Well, except for now... I did organize all of my pictures in my computer though. Fixed the folders and stuff. Did a lot of renaming the files too as most of the pictures are still in their DC0000XXX mode :)

Actually, I would have wanted to upload some more pictures at the roadtrips blog but I just couldn't decide what particular travel or activity to feature... Would have wanted to upload the Cateel Caving Congress but I'm still wanting some pictures of it that I don't have on file at the moment, so... The same goes for the Tamayong pictures...

Hmm... any realizations today? Not much really... Highlights? Hmm... had lunch with B at Kong Ai, that vegetarian resto we frequent. The food was great. Tried for the first time their curry viand. It was really good we ordered another one and some extra rice hehe We also ordered our usual Tokwa viand. It's not your usual Tokwa though that's fried and dipped in a ginger sauce. This kind they sautee with a little sauce in it. I like it.

After lunch, we went to "Lots for Less" since he told me he wanted to buy something. We ended up buying some sprayer for Mama and some massage-ball-something. It was a pretty nice gadget. I took to it instantly.

Hmmm... Mama. We had some kind of a disagreement over the weekend. When I dropped by their school right after Lots, I was relieved to find out that we're okay already. She was teased by her co-teachers that it's obvious that her daughter really loves her. Sigh. Knowing how Mama is, I'm sure she was in one of her drama's again. I just wonder how could she ever doubt my love for her? But yeah, I know how she could be sometimes... But it's a good thing really that we're okay now.

What else? ah, last night, Renee, Bambie, Bolo and myself attended a meeting with the "Bugsay Dabaw." It's a local paddlers club we are members of. Hmm... it wasn't really that interesting -- the meeting. What interested me though is the fact that apparently, we might be having some kayaking activities again in the very near future. Must be during the Araw ng Dabaw celebration which is due next month. Hmm... that would really be fun. At one point in the meeting, Renee and I looked at our forearms. No, we weren't checking out whether they are still strong enough to do some serious paddling again. We looked at them and acknowledged we are just about to get our "normal" color back. We are almost fair again. Well, almost. Apparently, with some kayaking lined up and the summer coming in again, there's little chance to that. Hmmm... I don't really care that much =) Thank God I'm not vain enough to ruin my chances at engaging in certain activities that would somehow make my life fuller :)

The Greatest Event Coordinator

Lost soul huh? nice page u got here Glad :)

I really pray that u and ur siblings

will be able to find your own place in the sun.

I know my accomplishments at the moment might be something u can envy

but I also did not get to do all these things at an early age.

I had some waiting to do too =)

But i had faith. I knew God's delays are never God's denials.

I knew and I still believe that God is the best "event coordinator." =)

Count on Him to have a great plan for you,

with all the details taken cared of =)

because for sure, He knows our heart's greatest wish even before we know them ourselves :)

Wrote the above letter to my pamangkin in response to her message to me in my guestbook. I really have a soft spot for pamangkins :)

Back to my message to her, it contained certain truths that I still adhere to...

God as the greatest "Event Coordinator." I could hardly elaborate more. Indeed, what else could I say? How many times have I experienced forcing certain issues? Like orchestrating certain things to happen and end up being disappointed all the same? But when I just let things be, operate on my faith, then everything will turn out to be exactly how I'd want it to be. Only, I wasn't really totally aware that that's how I want it to be. Trust God to know more than you do...

Those experiences, those when I just let things be, they often amaze me. Every detail is taken cared of... Nothing is amiss. It's as if everything is laid down very carefully, all mapped out and well-planned... The result -- a setting that would often leave me awed and breathless. My heart would totally expand, probably being filled with God's love. With God really, He makes all things beautiful.

However, I still have my moments. What can I say? I'm a control-freak. Wanting to be in control is an integral part of who I am. I guess it's some kind of a security blanket for my part. I like it better when I'm in control of certain situations... It makes me feel a bit safer and more secure... So, while I recognize that nobody could top Him where orchestrating my life is concerned, I still commit some mistakes, forget this particular truth and conduct my affairs in my own inept ways... But I'm there. I know I'm getting there. I know that no matter how I may often forget certain truths and lessons I've learnt in the past, God is always there to gently prod me along, gently "push" me to "review" my lessons once again...

Ah... it is indeed wonderful to be alive... alive and taken cared of...

Hmm...

The relationship thing, surprisingly, is going on smoothly... I'm wondering whether it had something to do with it being the week of the V-day or whatever. I also read somewhere the other day that Neptune is in close transit with the moon or was it Saturn? hehe whatever. For whatever reason, we are both okay.

Speaking of V-day, we really did not have much of a date. We both thought the restaurants would be pretty crowded that day so no sense joining in on the crowd. And I really wanted to spend it with my family so... But we still ended up having some dinner together, Mama having other plans. I had to buy some food for the house so he accompanied me. Since I was really hungry already, we ended up having dinner together. We had quite a nice conversation. No fighting at all. Real nice.

Hmm... but last night's dinner was even a lot nicer. Last week, we have already talked about spending our dinner date instead on the 15th. And so we did. We ate at our favorite Italian Restuarant -- La Tuscana. The food was pretty rich. I had a plateful of pasta, him some risotto. Yup, plateful. We thought at first that we wouldn't be able to consume them between ourselves. But we did. Hmm... it was pretty cozy...

Highlight: He did the praying over our food that evening. It usually is me. The most touching part is that he did not only express gratitude for the food we are about to have but for the fact that we are together and for the relationship... nice noh? Melted my heart right through...

Re-stumbling upon a truth

Lately, with this blog thing, I took to rereading some of my old journals. I'm toying with the idea of putting up some of my previous journal entries here. It turned out to be not a bad idea -- the rereading part. Why? Because, in the process I re-stumble upon old truths, old lessons I've learnt a long time ago but somehow over the course of years, have again forgotten.

This morning, reading one particular entry I said to myself -- "So I knew this truth even then. I had learned this lesson even then... How come, I have forgotten?" Well, I guess the answer to that question is simple really. It is because, over the course of years, I have not been very much paying attention to who I am within. I have somewhat lost touch with my innerself. Work and fun had become the utmost priority that very little time is left for introspection -- if at all. Hmm... so right now I'm in the process of "re-educating" myself. I am in some kind of a "refresher" course. Below is one of the assigned reading for one of the modules of the course.

June 29, 2000

Thursday

10:36 P.M.

A lot had happened just this week. I guess I could say I went through some kind of a crisis. A personal crisis as it was.

Betrayal comes to mind when I think about it. I did feel very much betrayed. But really thinking about it, I guess, it's not really betrayal. There was no deep relationship that links me to the person concerned. And, affection was never lost, or exchanged for that matter, between us.

Looking back, it was a good experience, albeit, a very painful one. It taught me a lot of things about people… about life. It opened up to me the whole concept of “disillusionment.” I was given a peek as to “how” and “when” a person learns to compromise – if not altogether let go – of his ideals.

It was a baptism of fire. In a way it was a ritual of sorts. I came across “malice” in its strongest form. Hmm… on second thought, I don’t think it’s much of a malice really. I guess it’s more of a person’s desperation to just “be.”

It must be sad being way past your prime and discovering that you are way past your glory. All of a sudden, the limelight is already taken off you and you look back, wondering where all of your past glories have gone to. Thus, the desperation to have it all back, the desire to feel that you are still important, that you are still very much in control, still very much influential.

I was a victim of that desperation. Like a prop I was picked, unconsciously and absent-mindedly to feed one’s desire for being made to feel important. Unconsciously, because I don’t think it was really intentional. Absent-mindedly, because the focus wasn’t on me who was being “sacrificed” but on the desperation.

Personally, there are a lot of things that I need to work on. I should learn to focus really, not lose sight of my ideals yet at the same time, not be too hung up on them to close my mind and doors on anyone or anything that falls short of such ideals.

I’m too hung up on my ideals, too adamant about taking any form of compromise that I have misjudged the right actions to take.

LESSON LEARNED: Just understand how people are, what drives them to do what they are doing. Even if it hurts, learn to find it in my heart to show compassion just the same. Learn to let the “understanding” take control. Never scorn, think yourself better for “knowing” more than the other does.

Be kind. Be compassionate. Learn to consider each conflict encountered before taking any action. If bossy, do that which has to be done. If pained and hurt, take a pause. Breathe before taking any action. Lashing back would never do any good. You know better. Learn to take the best attitude in handling situations. Learn to meet scorn and impatience with understanding and humor and good will.

Not an easy thing to accomplish, this! But with God’s grace, I know I can do it all. Just think of Apo and the love that must be behind anything and everything beautiful.

Focus. It’s kindness that I want. Reflect, so as not to lose sight of one’s intentions: Not to live life in vain…

Happy St. Valentine's Day

Expectations. I guess some of us would have a lot of that this day. I am wondering if I am one of them. Hehe Oh well... I'm no longer 18 and I'm way past the stage and yet, maybe there's still a bit of that yearning. So in my case, it isn't really much about expectations. I've learned my lessons. But the yearning, well, it's definitely there :) Happy St. Valentine's Day to ya'll =)

The List

I was leafing through one of my journals last night when I came across this list:

• Cares so much for other people
• Has capacity for depth
• Has capacity for deep feelings
• Who can be moved by the sight of a sunrise, or while standing on top of a mountain and gazing at all of God's creation below
• Who can be equally moved by a simple moment, by a simple situation which is really as equally important as a glorious sunrise or a majestic mountain
• Who is "involved" in life and in the world
• Has a passion for life and the many possibilities it holds
• Has thirst for learning, knowledge

I know I need not elaborate what that particular list is for. I was asailed by many thoughts soon after... And as if on cue, I also came across an old CD I have of the Ally McBeal Soundtrack volume 2. It's been a long time since I've played that CD. I looked at it and wondered what made this particular CD really special that I included it in my compact cary-it-all CD case. It meant I wanted to take it everywhere I go. I knew it was a pretty good collection but I knew there's something special about this CD. I knew it has something to do with a particular song or songs in it. I just couldn't remember what. I could remember though that there was a time that this particular CD has become some kind of a "national anthem" to me. It had become a personal "flavor of the month" for some time. I could vaguely recall playing it over and over before -- as with the other CDs that had become a "theme song" of sorts that somewhat fit whatever state of being I'm in at a given time. So, to find out, I played it.

The first few songs were interesting enough. I said to myself that it is a good collection. At the same time, I could sense myself tensing. It's as if I'm looking forward to a particular song. That was pretty weird. And then... towards the very end of the CD, it played... The "soft" intro itself threw me already. I felt sort of jolted. And then I began to remember... the feelings... the state of being I was in... my past hopes... dreams... convictions...

In hindsight now, that was pretty much of a coincidence -- finding the journal and the CD at the same time. I know the universe is trying to tell me something... And I'm not quite sure if I'm ready enough to finally listen to its promptings and urges. At the same time, I am not confident with how I'm reading all these signs. After all, I could be wrong. What I might construe as real might be untrue altogether. But I have faith and I still cling to this belief -- "that no matter if the seeker could waver and be lost along the way, always trust that the spiritual path is always there and is constant." Or, words to that effect. I got that from Coelho, in one of his books. I have just forgotten which particular book. But it is indeed true. Sigh. Once again, I'm not sure where life may lead me. I just hope that I'd be able to fulfill whatever it is that I have intended to fulfill in this lifetime. I hope my own folly won't take me to a different path, that would take me somewhere else than where God intended...

I Know Him By Heart

(By Vonda Shepard)

There's a secret path I follow

To a place no one can find

Where I meet my perfect someone

I've kept hidden in my mind

Where my heart makes my decisions

'Till my dream becomes a vision

And the love I feel Makes him real someday.

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere

Just beyond my reach

Though I've never really touched him

Or ever heard him speak

Though we've never been together

We've never been apart

No we've never met

Haven't found him yet

But I know him by heart

Am I living in an illusion?

Wanting something I can't see

If I compromise, I'd be living lies

Pretending love's not meant to be

'Cause I know my heart's worth saving

And I know that he'll be waiting

So I'll hold on and I'll stay strong 'till then

'Cause I know he's out there somewhere

Just beyond my reach

Though I've never really touched him

Or ever heard him speak

Though we've never been together

We've never been apart

No we've never met

Haven't found him yet

But I know him by heart

No we've never met... Haven't found him yet...

But I know him by heart....

Red Everywhere

Yup! The town is definitely red everywhere. It's the Chinese New Year and it seems, almost everyone wants to have a jab at luck and so most are sporting red shirts or tops. I attended the Ash Wednesday Mass at the Ateneo over at lunch and the gym was definitely "fiery" with most of the students and other attendees there wearing red shirts. I am wearing a red blouse myself hehe

I'm feeling a little better at the moment but this morning I have really been emotional over my "relationship problem." It just seemed to me that all the signs read -- "Let go." I'm just not quite sure if that's what I really want to do.

I just want my old self back...

This weekend has been h--l. Well, I was able to spend some time with Mama. I also attended a friend's wedding and got together with some former officemates I haven't seen for a long time. We also got a visit from my twin pamangkins -- Yayang and Two-two and spent a great afternoon at Papa's "resting place." So it was a good weekend really. But where my relationship with B is concerned, everything’s quite a muddle. Even now, as I’m writing here, I am a jumble of emotions. I know I ought to be asleep by now, tomorrow being a Monday. I couldn’t afford to be late tomorrow. Literally. We have this policy in the office wherein latecomers during our Monday flag ceremony would have to pay fifty bucks as penalty. And right now, I only have that amount and some coins in my wallet. Huh!

Back to that relationship bit, well, I’m really in a mess right now. My heart is heavy, my thoughts running amok. Sigh. I am far from being at peace.

Expectations. Unfortunately, I had a lot of them this weekend. And having a lot of them, I had also been disappointed quite a number of times. Then, it all spiraled-down from there. As for my emotions, it did more than just spiral down. It went up, then down, travel in a horizontal direction, circular, then vertical again… In other words, my emotions are all in shambles. They still am. Come to think of it, if I’ll keep this up, days in a row, I wouldn’t be surprised if I’d end up in a nut house. Really, it’s so easy to lose one’s sanity in a trouble-filled relationship. Huh!

Having my expectations not met, I wanted to lash back. I wanted to get even. Hmm… and I had. The often serene, thoughtful, soft-spoken “me” was suddenly sending a torrent of text messages, one after the other. Messages that could very well be likened to a double-edged knife purposely designed to draw blood. I was that angry. In fact, had he and I only came face to face, there was the likelihood that I could have hit him. Nothing “serene” about that huh? Sigh. I’m far from being proud, admitting this now.

I am not liking one bit the person I am becoming in this relationship. It pains to admit this. But I guess I’ve been so used to being honest with myself too that it’s somehow easy to let that out in the open… He just rubs me the wrong way. Or maybe, it is more appropriate to say that we really just have different values. We have different priorities.

Given the person I am becoming in this relationship, it only makes sense to me to let it all go. Hmm… I’ve made a pause, “listening” to myself, trying to figure out how that realization sits with me. I am remembering how the mere thought of letting go before used to pain me so much. Now, I just couldn’t feel a thing. Yup! No heartbreak at the moment. The crushing pain I used to feel at the mere thought of not seeing him again is significantly absent as of the moment. I don’t know how long this “not-feeling-any-remorse” would last before the pain would again set in. I’m not sure if tomorrow, when I’d wake up, I’d miss him and change my mind altogether. Well, knowing me, for sure I’ll be reaching for my phone tomorrow the minute I wake up. I know I’ll be checking it for some messages from him. But I certainly hope not! At the moment, I’m mentally making a list of the “how-to’s” in avoiding him. I’m also thinking of ways of keeping myself busy. Sadly, if I do indeed stand by my decision to let the relationship go, I’d be left with quite a void that I would have to find ways to fill.

But I’m really just so tired about this endless roller-coaster ride of emotions brought about by our constant quarrelling. I just want to breathe. I want some space. I want my old self back. The one who is quite sensible, kind-hearted and so full of compassion and optimism about life. I don’t want to be this bitter, “sharp-clawed,” ill-tempered, demanding person I am turning to be.

Finally! Just emailed the revised proposal we had been working on. The same one that I have been not quite "enthusiastic" to touch hehe Finally, that particular task is over and done with. On to other tasks at hand. But that could wait till next week. I'm drained enough as it is.

Some good news. Oribe of the PLSD project called earlier. Apparently, the project is about to start already. It's been long over due. The project was supposed to start june of last year. Then, it was moved to September, then November, to this year's January 4. I was told by 'Te Jean that he called to finalize the arrangement for the signing of the MOA hehe finally! Looks like everything is already on its way now. I've been waiting for this project to start. It would be another opportunity for learning. I've been very much involved during the development stage of this project so I guess, naturally, I'm also very much excited for it to finally taking off. Sigh! I hope the project would really start soon :)

It's a Friday and I'm supposed to join Renee and Bambie for a few laps at the Agro football field. But it looks as if it's going to rain. Bambie just texted me. She said she might be cancelling in view of the impending rain.

Rain. This reminds me of Hazel's own blog. She called it, "Rain Thoughts." At the moment, she only has two entries there. But they're both really good and I told her so :)

Jeni. She and I got to talk last night. Such chances come quite rarely these days for us. I'm remembering how there used to be a time when we would "panic" at the mere thought of our not seeing each other for a month. Haha! That was pretty weird, now that I think about it. But really, that was how we felt then. I remember how we both rejoiced then grew sad when we learned about her one-month scholarship in Japan a few years back. We were happy since it was indeed a good opportunity for her. Sad, since it would mean a month without our usual conversation.

Conversation. It had meant so much to us then. It still meant so much to us now.

Huh! Finished this entry and then puff! I got disconnected and all I was able to recover was this unfinished bit huhuhu I guess, these things do happen huhuhu

Well, another "working" week has just passed. I hope I'm going to have a relaxing, fun weekend. I think I deserve it.

Just came in from lunch. Went to the Ateneo for the noon Mass. Today is the feast of the Our Lady of Candelaria and it fell on a Wednesday yet. It took a bit of coaxing for me to attend the Mass. Knowing full well that the Novena Masses for the Mother of Perpetual Help are held in the afternoons of Wednesday, I wanted to attend the afternoon Mass instead. But how many Wednesday Masses have I let pass for this reason alone? Since, more often than not, something would come up and then I won't be able to go. I'm glad I allowed myself to be coaxed into going today.

There was a candle-lighting "ceremony" at the start of the Mass in the light of the occasion. Then Fr. Bob went around to bless everyone. Hmm... I have been neglecting my "spirituality" lately. I'm not exactly proud of this... Better do something about it then...

Just weary

I'm feeling a bit weary. I've been "almost" lethargic the whole day. I didn't want to touch the paper I ought to be working on in view of the Friday deadline. It is a serious deadline, one that I shouldn't just ignore. It's a proposal for a client, a "revised" one for that matter. But I really did not have the inclination to start on it. In fairness, I did read through the references given to me. I was also able to come up with an idea as to how to improve the previous proposal we've submitted. Actually, what's left to be done is to work on the electronic copy of the proposal.

Oh well, feeling like this, is not a first time for me. I know myself well enough to know I work well under pressure. But really, I'm not quite sure if keeping this attitude is a good thing or not. On the other hand, a part of me is arguing -- experience had taught me that the best work I ever did are those that were done 30 minutes before the deadline hehe or something like that. It's in situations like these that my brain would really ooze big time and then the ideas would come... Sigh. I do know too that this is hardly being "efficient" of me, keeping this attitude.

So many things on my mind at the moment. Been rereading some of my journal entries in the past. In the process, I've "reawakened" some of the "already-forgotten" feelings... It's not a bad thing actually. Just that I'm now a jumble of feelings and emotions and not quite sure how to sort myself out of all these mess I'm in. Ah... I am just weary...