This weekend has been h--l. Well, I was able to spend some time with Mama. I also attended a friend's wedding and got together with some former officemates I haven't seen for a long time. We also got a visit from my twin pamangkins -- Yayang and Two-two and spent a great afternoon at Papa's "resting place." So it was a good weekend really. But where my relationship with B is concerned, everything’s quite a muddle. Even now, as I’m writing here, I am a jumble of emotions. I know I ought to be asleep by now, tomorrow being a Monday. I couldn’t afford to be late tomorrow. Literally. We have this policy in the office wherein latecomers during our Monday flag ceremony would have to pay fifty bucks as penalty. And right now, I only have that amount and some coins in my wallet. Huh!
Back to that relationship bit, well, I’m really in a mess right now. My heart is heavy, my thoughts running amok. Sigh. I am far from being at peace.
Expectations. Unfortunately, I had a lot of them this weekend. And having a lot of them, I had also been disappointed quite a number of times. Then, it all spiraled-down from there. As for my emotions, it did more than just spiral down. It went up, then down, travel in a horizontal direction, circular, then vertical again… In other words, my emotions are all in shambles. They still am. Come to think of it, if I’ll keep this up, days in a row, I wouldn’t be surprised if I’d end up in a nut house. Really, it’s so easy to lose one’s sanity in a trouble-filled relationship. Huh!
Having my expectations not met, I wanted to lash back. I wanted to get even. Hmm… and I had. The often serene, thoughtful, soft-spoken “me” was suddenly sending a torrent of text messages, one after the other. Messages that could very well be likened to a double-edged knife purposely designed to draw blood. I was that angry. In fact, had he and I only came face to face, there was the likelihood that I could have hit him. Nothing “serene” about that huh? Sigh. I’m far from being proud, admitting this now.
I am not liking one bit the person I am becoming in this relationship. It pains to admit this. But I guess I’ve been so used to being honest with myself too that it’s somehow easy to let that out in the open… He just rubs me the wrong way. Or maybe, it is more appropriate to say that we really just have different values. We have different priorities.
Given the person I am becoming in this relationship, it only makes sense to me to let it all go. Hmm… I’ve made a pause, “listening” to myself, trying to figure out how that realization sits with me. I am remembering how the mere thought of letting go before used to pain me so much. Now, I just couldn’t feel a thing. Yup! No heartbreak at the moment. The crushing pain I used to feel at the mere thought of not seeing him again is significantly absent as of the moment. I don’t know how long this “not-feeling-any-remorse” would last before the pain would again set in. I’m not sure if tomorrow, when I’d wake up, I’d miss him and change my mind altogether. Well, knowing me, for sure I’ll be reaching for my phone tomorrow the minute I wake up. I know I’ll be checking it for some messages from him. But I certainly hope not! At the moment, I’m mentally making a list of the “how-to’s” in avoiding him. I’m also thinking of ways of keeping myself busy. Sadly, if I do indeed stand by my decision to let the relationship go, I’d be left with quite a void that I would have to find ways to fill.
But I’m really just so tired about this endless roller-coaster ride of emotions brought about by our constant quarrelling. I just want to breathe. I want some space. I want my old self back. The one who is quite sensible, kind-hearted and so full of compassion and optimism about life. I don’t want to be this bitter, “sharp-clawed,” ill-tempered, demanding person I am turning to be.
Back to that relationship bit, well, I’m really in a mess right now. My heart is heavy, my thoughts running amok. Sigh. I am far from being at peace.
Expectations. Unfortunately, I had a lot of them this weekend. And having a lot of them, I had also been disappointed quite a number of times. Then, it all spiraled-down from there. As for my emotions, it did more than just spiral down. It went up, then down, travel in a horizontal direction, circular, then vertical again… In other words, my emotions are all in shambles. They still am. Come to think of it, if I’ll keep this up, days in a row, I wouldn’t be surprised if I’d end up in a nut house. Really, it’s so easy to lose one’s sanity in a trouble-filled relationship. Huh!
Having my expectations not met, I wanted to lash back. I wanted to get even. Hmm… and I had. The often serene, thoughtful, soft-spoken “me” was suddenly sending a torrent of text messages, one after the other. Messages that could very well be likened to a double-edged knife purposely designed to draw blood. I was that angry. In fact, had he and I only came face to face, there was the likelihood that I could have hit him. Nothing “serene” about that huh? Sigh. I’m far from being proud, admitting this now.
I am not liking one bit the person I am becoming in this relationship. It pains to admit this. But I guess I’ve been so used to being honest with myself too that it’s somehow easy to let that out in the open… He just rubs me the wrong way. Or maybe, it is more appropriate to say that we really just have different values. We have different priorities.
Given the person I am becoming in this relationship, it only makes sense to me to let it all go. Hmm… I’ve made a pause, “listening” to myself, trying to figure out how that realization sits with me. I am remembering how the mere thought of letting go before used to pain me so much. Now, I just couldn’t feel a thing. Yup! No heartbreak at the moment. The crushing pain I used to feel at the mere thought of not seeing him again is significantly absent as of the moment. I don’t know how long this “not-feeling-any-remorse” would last before the pain would again set in. I’m not sure if tomorrow, when I’d wake up, I’d miss him and change my mind altogether. Well, knowing me, for sure I’ll be reaching for my phone tomorrow the minute I wake up. I know I’ll be checking it for some messages from him. But I certainly hope not! At the moment, I’m mentally making a list of the “how-to’s” in avoiding him. I’m also thinking of ways of keeping myself busy. Sadly, if I do indeed stand by my decision to let the relationship go, I’d be left with quite a void that I would have to find ways to fill.
But I’m really just so tired about this endless roller-coaster ride of emotions brought about by our constant quarrelling. I just want to breathe. I want some space. I want my old self back. The one who is quite sensible, kind-hearted and so full of compassion and optimism about life. I don’t want to be this bitter, “sharp-clawed,” ill-tempered, demanding person I am turning to be.
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