Lately, with this blog thing, I took to rereading some of my old journals. I'm toying with the idea of putting up some of my previous journal entries here. It turned out to be not a bad idea -- the rereading part. Why? Because, in the process I re-stumble upon old truths, old lessons I've learnt a long time ago but somehow over the course of years, have again forgotten.
This morning, reading one particular entry I said to myself -- "So I knew this truth even then. I had learned this lesson even then... How come, I have forgotten?" Well, I guess the answer to that question is simple really. It is because, over the course of years, I have not been very much paying attention to who I am within. I have somewhat lost touch with my innerself. Work and fun had become the utmost priority that very little time is left for introspection -- if at all. Hmm... so right now I'm in the process of "re-educating" myself. I am in some kind of a "refresher" course. Below is one of the assigned reading for one of the modules of the course.
June 29, 2000
Thursday
10:36 P.M.
A lot had happened just this week. I guess I could say I went through some kind of a crisis. A personal crisis as it was.
Betrayal comes to mind when I think about it. I did feel very much betrayed. But really thinking about it, I guess, it's not really betrayal. There was no deep relationship that links me to the person concerned. And, affection was never lost, or exchanged for that matter, between us.
Looking back, it was a good experience, albeit, a very painful one. It taught me a lot of things about people… about life. It opened up to me the whole concept of “disillusionment.” I was given a peek as to “how” and “when” a person learns to compromise – if not altogether let go – of his ideals.
It was a baptism of fire. In a way it was a ritual of sorts. I came across “malice” in its strongest form. Hmm… on second thought, I don’t think it’s much of a malice really. I guess it’s more of a person’s desperation to just “be.”
It must be sad being way past your prime and discovering that you are way past your glory. All of a sudden, the limelight is already taken off you and you look back, wondering where all of your past glories have gone to. Thus, the desperation to have it all back, the desire to feel that you are still important, that you are still very much in control, still very much influential.
I was a victim of that desperation. Like a prop I was picked, unconsciously and absent-mindedly to feed one’s desire for being made to feel important. Unconsciously, because I don’t think it was really intentional. Absent-mindedly, because the focus wasn’t on me who was being “sacrificed” but on the desperation.
Looking back, it was a good experience, albeit, a very painful one. It taught me a lot of things about people… about life. It opened up to me the whole concept of “disillusionment.” I was given a peek as to “how” and “when” a person learns to compromise – if not altogether let go – of his ideals.
It was a baptism of fire. In a way it was a ritual of sorts. I came across “malice” in its strongest form. Hmm… on second thought, I don’t think it’s much of a malice really. I guess it’s more of a person’s desperation to just “be.”
It must be sad being way past your prime and discovering that you are way past your glory. All of a sudden, the limelight is already taken off you and you look back, wondering where all of your past glories have gone to. Thus, the desperation to have it all back, the desire to feel that you are still important, that you are still very much in control, still very much influential.
I was a victim of that desperation. Like a prop I was picked, unconsciously and absent-mindedly to feed one’s desire for being made to feel important. Unconsciously, because I don’t think it was really intentional. Absent-mindedly, because the focus wasn’t on me who was being “sacrificed” but on the desperation.
Personally, there are a lot of things that I need to work on. I should learn to focus really, not lose sight of my ideals yet at the same time, not be too hung up on them to close my mind and doors on anyone or anything that falls short of such ideals.
I’m too hung up on my ideals, too adamant about taking any form of compromise that I have misjudged the right actions to take.
LESSON LEARNED: Just understand how people are, what drives them to do what they are doing. Even if it hurts, learn to find it in my heart to show compassion just the same. Learn to let the “understanding” take control. Never scorn, think yourself better for “knowing” more than the other does.
Be kind. Be compassionate. Learn to consider each conflict encountered before taking any action. If bossy, do that which has to be done. If pained and hurt, take a pause. Breathe before taking any action. Lashing back would never do any good. You know better. Learn to take the best attitude in handling situations. Learn to meet scorn and impatience with understanding and humor and good will.
Not an easy thing to accomplish, this! But with God’s grace, I know I can do it all. Just think of Apo and the love that must be behind anything and everything beautiful.
Focus. It’s kindness that I want. Reflect, so as not to lose sight of one’s intentions: Not to live life in vain…
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