At a stand still

Indeed, I feel very much as if I'm at a stand still. Everything just seems to be... well, at a stand still. I sit here at my desk not quite knowing what to do. It's a pretty weird feeling. I'm used to having work upto my neck, not quite knowing which task to tackle first. Now, I sit here feeling worried to be not doing anything much. Weird.

Ahh... Noel Cabangon croons again. My discman's a constant companion lately. It helps me "concentrate," free me from the distractions here in the office. It carves for me a little cocoon where I could be alone with my thoughts. They could be noisy all they want, but with my earphones securely in place, they could very well not exist.

Now, it's Joey Ayala's voice filling my head. I'm actually listening to a copy of the CD, "Gitara, Lapis Atbp." It's a 12-track CD by Noel Cabangon and Joey Ayala for a fund-raising project of PBSP. Bee and I attended the launching concert here in Davao City last December. I bought a CD during the concert to help in the fund-raising bit and well, because I also liked the songs in it. The CD had become quite a favorite lately. Somehow I always find myself reaching for it often these days.

The concert. It was such an experience. The songs leaped at me. At one point in the concert, I sat there thinking I was probably the only person there with tears brimming from my eyes. I sat there, so still and quiet but so many things had been going on inside of me. It's difficult to explain really. I just knew that sitting there, knowing what cause the concert was for, and the lyrics of the songs literally embracing my whole being, I was reminded of the things I dreamt of as a child...

Idealistic. I was pretty much an idealistic child. I dreamt of changing the world, of making a contribution to humanity in whatever way I can... Now, I'm thinking, where has that child gone to? What had happened to her? Was her dream the same dream that used to fire her spirit so much in the past? Does she still have that at all -- fire in her spirit? Does she still have her spirit at all? Does she?

"Nangangapa" ako, trying to search myself... trying to find the answers to the above questions... I haven't asked myself those questions for a long time now... I find it funny, I started this blog just trying to fill my time and here I am totally surprising myself with these questions... Where did that come from? I guess the answer is simple really, being at a stand still, I am afforded with the luxury to get my bearings again. Not distracted with work and other tasks at hand, I am again able to look up and see where I have managed to get myself into.

"Where am I?" Now, it has come to that again, huh? The proverbial question -- where am I? Here I am sitting at my desk, earphones plugged to my ears... There's a folder and a gantt chart in front of me reminding me I still have some things to do before I leave tomorrow for South Cotabato to finally begin a project that had been stalled for a long time. That's where my physical body is. But my spirit, my soul? It's in a different plane altogether, crying for that lost child who had such big dreams...